Thursday, April 23, 2009
My last appt was on Jan. 15th of this year. I recalled my weight at that time as being 198, and figured if I weighed in at 199 or so today, my doc would be concerned until I brought him up to date.
I shed my shoes, got on the scales and hopefully pushed the weight thingy inside of 200. The nurse at my side kept pushing it over a little, until it said "198". Then she said, "Wow, that's really good, you've lost 10 pounds since your last visit." I said, "Beg pardon? What did I weigh in January?" She checked the chart and replied, "208".
I walked into the exam room in a mild state of shock. I realized I had done the same thing at the doctor's office in January that I did at Laura's in March--ignored what the scale really said and picked a number I liked better. Yeah, in January I was depressed, in a foggy state of mind, etc., but the worst thing I was in was a state of denial--BIG TIME! Never mind that the size XLs were getting snug and my more recent purchases were 2X and 18-20. Never mind that I was having trouble sleeping, probably due to the mild sleep apnea I get when I'm heavy. Never mind that I was starting to break out under my boobs and on my thighs from skin to skin contact that also comes with a higher level of overweight. I was--successfully, I thought-- denying all of it, and telling myself, as long as I was still under 200 pounds, how bad could it be?
I've heard insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If that's true, then I was obviously in a temporary state of insanity! Thank goodness I got over it.
My doctor asked what I've been doing, and I explained about Richard's food program, Curves, and my improved state of mind. He was grinning from ear to ear, and actually said, "I'm really excited about you! You look great!" I told him it was probably the California haircut, but he shook his head, and said, "Nope, you're definitely not where you were this winter, and I'm really glad to see it."
Now I must continue to be honest with myself, as well as with others. Just because I want something to be so, and even if I say it's so, doesn't mean it is so. I have to keep my guard up with more or less continuous reality checks, making sure that I'm not deluding myself and sinking into another state of denial.
Webster's Dictionary actually defines the term reality check as "a corrective confronting of reality in order to counteract one's expectations, prejudices or the like". I would add the word "perceptions". In other words I need to identify and confront inaccurate perceptions and apply corrective action to bring my perceptions in line with reality, at least as far as my weight and health are concerned.
I don't want to find myself "up denial" without a paddle!
Monday, April 13, 2009
after stepping on the scales and not being happy with said results >> 0 Loss/0 Gain..I held the fork, and I controlled the body that seemed to fall apart about mid week..
i start off strong every morning..having a great breakfast and then by lunch time, the taperecorder begins to play in said head on a loop and by dinner I could give a rats bum.
i liked the feeling i had when i worked out..(As I have that feeling this morning) I realized after looking at my calendar and seeing that It had 7 days out of 14 with tone and sweat it wasn't serious enough and I need to get my butt moving.
i've signed up for the following..and details with links are on the other blog.
5 k walk/run may 30 for a local school fundraiser
5 k walk/run june 13 for my friends that I did last year
weight watchers walk it challenge
national presidential challenge
I'm not going to sit here (now the middle of april) and bitch anymore why haven't I taken the weight off if I'm not giving 100%...I have to give 100%, to receive a loss. Not half assed, food and water and exercise. (excuse the mouth..had one heck of a talk with myself this morning)
I love you all and miss you..Hope that you are doing your best..Hope that you are loving yourselves and making you #1 as you are all #1's in my book.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Here's the story. In California at Laura's after making Richard cry and feeling like a worm I faced the music and weighed on her scales. To be honest I hadn't been on a scale since October, when I weighed in at 193. I knew I'd gained some since then, but didn't want to acknowledge it. As I stepped on Laura's scales, the needle swept past 200 and I quickly jumped off. Past 200? Well, it must be 201, so that's what I "decided" was my "starting weight". Today, after 10 days of following the 1400 cal FM plan very closely, nearly perfectly, MY scales said 202.6!!!!!!! My God! What could have happened!!!!
I made 2 rookie mistakes. You can't compare one scale to another. They may vary by several pounds. Second, I should have weighed on my scale as soon as I got home. The fact that it was stored away because of the remodeling was just an excuse to avoid it for a while. If I had weighed when I got home, I strongly suspect I'd have seen a number higher than what I did today.
So--I refuse to be discouraged. I will start over with the numbers, using 202.6 as my "starting weight". I'll continue my FM plan and try hard to increase my level of activity. I'm determined to get to the Rec Center next week and sign up so I can work on the weight machines. If my knees are going to prevent me from doing much walking or doing aerobic videos, I can at least work on my toning. Maybe that will help my knees, if I work with them carefully. Now that my hair is short, I may begin swimming again. That would be easy on my knees and also my back. I'll weigh next Fridayand then I'll expect more realistic results.
I will not quit.
I guess my point is that I actually said I needed to get real and I did. Not only did I do the video I also did 3 sets of girl pushups and 100 assorted crunches. Tonight is also a work night for me and while I don't get a real cardio workout there is no doubt that I am moving and burning some calories. Now I feel like I amgetting real. I am going to try to make this my mantra today. Claudia Regan needs to get real. Maybe it will work with food too.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I'm having trouble getting in any exercise. For whatever reason, since I got home my knees have been bothering me more than my back. This scares me, since the left one is now 10 years old and the right is 7. The "life" of a replaced knee averages 10 years, but I'm hoping these will hold out at lesat for 17 more months. What happens in 17 months? I get Medicare, that's what! Yes, Virginia, there is something to look forward to when you're 60!
I bought this nifty tea when I was in China and it's purported to help with weight loss. I've been drinking several cups a day and it seems to be working. Since it has orange zest in it, it's pretty tasty, so I like drinking it. In summer I think it will taste refreshing chilled.
The few times I have been tempted to eat off plan, I think of 2 things: how much my back and knees hurt and Richard crying because I had gained weight.
So, I'll try to remember to get back here tomorrow and be honest with how the scales reflect the past week.
I am back from Kerry's recital in Gainesville. Whew!!! It's a tough 5 hour ride each way but we made it and the kid played beautifully and I was a proud mom. Another wonderful memory.
I don't know what happened to me and my good judgement while I was away. It's like I lost my mind. We went to Kerry's favorite restaurant and she suggested something that I knew was going to be rich and fat laden but I ordered it and ate it knowing full well what I was doing. There were other more healthy choices available but I ordered the worst possible thing. I did that at breakfast too. Like I said. It's like I lost my mind. Why do I do that?
I'm glad to be back home. I can get back to my healthy lifestyle and put those terrible choices behind me. I'm starting off today with 3 hours of yoga. Today is my private with Juliana and right after that is the group practice that I will stay for. Then later in the day I work at Curves and I will be up and moving there.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Hope your day is a good one!
OMG!! I miss you guys so much but, like Bethy, I am home now feeling a renewed commitment to staying healthy by exercising everyday(whether it is a 3 mile walk at the track, a yoga practice or weight training), eating the correct portions of healthy food and blogging either on my blog, here or both.
I weighed in this morning at 153.5. The morning I left for LA I weighed in at 152.5 so I am still hanging in the low 150's. Looking back on the LA pictures I really am pretty happy with where I am with my weight. I think I looked healthy in those pictures and that's what I want to look like.
I got a wonderful email from Richard saying how proud he was of me for keeping the weight off and talking about how great I looked. I must say it felt great to FINALLY get the approval of Richard, which for some reason is still extremely important to me even after all these years. In the email Richard told me to continue what I am doing so that's a what I'mma gonna do!!
I went to the track this morning and powerwalked three miles to some old disco music. I'm trying to work back up to four miles. Soon I'm going get dressed in Laura's clothes and do a yoga practice. I am working tonight too.
I am going to live up to this Fucking Agreement when it comes to my food. I'm going to make the best food choices that I can. Do the best I can do.
I'm leaving for Gainesville early tomorrow morning for Kerry's Senior Recital. I'll take pictures.
Love you all,
Friday, April 3, 2009
I started Blast Off today. I need to get this 80 pounds off once and for all and be healthy. So far Day One of Blast Off is going well. I am taking it one day at a time. I have to do it for me, the Fabs, for Angie, for Becky and for Richard.
I am recommitting myself to the Fucking Agreement!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
It is motivating me to put pictures of my meals on the blog with the accountability..Making sure the meal is balanced, and looks well presented for the picture. I've been writing exercise tape reviews. Trying new dvd workouts.
Trying new recipes and getting ideas from other weightloss blogs..So I won't get stuck in a rut.
I can't thank you enough for our Sunday Night Chat..It was what this girl needed to start her bonfire again. I felt like the flame was almost out. I did write Richard, and someday I'm sure I'll hear back from him. He seems to be a very busy man. He's on Twitter now too.
I hope your visit went well, and that your flames went from a flicker to high bright beautiful flame that has ignited the bonfire and get you to your goals.
I miss all of you..I have been honoring my agreement with you...Getting back to the roots.
I've started my workouts, and am using them to train for a 5k that is in June..I VOW TO RUN IT!!! My sister in law got wind and wants to do 5k with me when she moves back to the area later this year. WoW!
I've rambled enough..Just wanted to check in with you.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Follow the agreement will be in my head...This week while the kids are on spring break I'll try and get my workout in first thing in the morning before breakfast..I'll grab a banana and eat that before workout. Grab my water bottle and do something.
Love and Miss You
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The last couple of days I've been reading "new to me" weight loss blogs and learning that I am not the only one struggling, and that makes me feel better, somewhat but in the same sense I am trying to get past what ever "this" is.
I'm trying to build up motivation again. Small baby steps.
I've been out looking at new mattresses. I fell in love with the Tempurpedic but don't think we would be able to afford it. I really need a new mattress. I think it would make a difference in my sleep and how I wake up. I'm up several times a night, with aches and pains. The present mattress is ten years old, let's face it, it's broke down from age and our combined weight. OY!
Hope all is well with ya'll.
Monday, March 23, 2009
love and miss you all
Thursday, March 19, 2009
You would think that I would be motivated to eat healthy now that I'm less than a week from our Fab Four reunion and also seeing Richard. I have just lost control of my food self. What the hell is wrong with me? ........... It's pathetic, really.....
Monday, March 9, 2009
Goals for this week:
I will record my meals, every meal, 7 days this week.
I will drink 3-24 oz bottles of water minimum per day
I will exercise a minimum of 30 minutes 6 days this next week.
I will blog daily to keep me accountable.
I want to go back to the way it was in January, when I was losing weight and was right in *my* world. Now it feels it's out of control and full of chaos..
I've been reading snippets of you on the boards. Hope all is well in your worlds. You must be getting excited as your meeting is getting closer and closer.
We've gone over the budget and I will be able to only afford one trip to LA this year. So I'm going to try and book the retreat again, and hopefully I'll be able to see some of you.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I now have a real health reason to be eating healthy and exercising daily. Not just a I want to lose weight and look good reason. Now it's a I need to bring down my cholesterol without drugs reason. I really hated the way I felt on those Statin drugs. I was tired, sluggish, jelly-legged, muscle achey and just generally weird. Now that I am off the drugs I feel much better and I want to say that way.
Making the best food choices that I can (this F*ing Agreement) is now more important than ever. Easing up on the bread and getting more fiber is now a priority. Oatmeal in the morning, salads and veggie soups for lunch and more veggies for dinner is now the focus. Health is now the important thing.
Diet and exercise. Here we go again.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I honest to goodness don't know how Laura managed to survive this last year. I really don't. I don't know how she managed to pick herself up each day and try to make it a better day...And that's what I have been thinking about these past few days as I lay in bed hurting/aching and at times just saying kill me now to put me out of my misery. And then saying no if Laura made it so can I..And then Kill me now..LOL...
I hope you are all well..And getting excited for your reunion!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Laura asked if anyone was in this fucking agreement anymore and I guess that's my cue to get back in. I just wish I felt better.
My weight this morning is 155.5 OMG!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I did go to exercise class yesterday morning (lots of people there... unusual... because of President's Day). I'll go again tonight.
There is no class tomorrow; Ann is joining Richard at an appearance at a Middle School, and I don't have the fortitude to get up early enough for a 9:30 am class taught by Michelle.
The scale was up three pounds as a result of crazy eating last week including a whole package of York Peppermint Patties on Thursday, A huge Valentines Day Dinner with cheesecake for dessert on Saturday, and a whole package of Blueberry Muffins on Sunday. Despite all of that, after only one day of sane eating (yesterday), it dropped right back to 155 again.
Note to self: some of the eating was stress induced, but as it turns out, I AM going into menopause finally, and I got my cycle a week early. The chocolate was probably a woman thing. That's probably why it appears I'm getting away with it, but let's not push the envelope.
Giving Cosmos IVs is really hard. He really screams and crys. I hope I get better at giving them; I hope he gets better at taking them.
I"m going to go take Sunny for a walk right now before it starts to rain again. Then I'm going to get to work on Sue's necklace repair. I only have a couple of hours to get it done.
Monday, February 16, 2009
My muscles ache, joints ache, from tensing up in bed at night. Not even aware I'm doing it. Gotta change this around. hubby wants me to go to dr. but I keep holding out.
I've cried in the shower, cried when grandma tried to give me grandpa's most prized possession (his watch)today. I'm fowarding the watch on to my mother. (Read I know I'll get it back one day)
I'm tired. I'm sleeping almost 8-12 hours a day depending on what's happened.
The funeral was last week.
I come here to read when I can. Sorry you girls are going through your individual troubles right now..Wish I could be more help to you.
My laptop blew up last week, trying to order a new one for me this week. (Read so I can read the blogs, and post to my own again)
I think of you all often..NEVER GIVE UP GIRLS!!! Never...I wish I could be there to give you hugs..KNOW That you are all worth it!!!You are the bombs!!!You are the FABULOUS FABBIES!!
Just for today, I'm going to try and make good choices. I may eat junk, but I will concentrate on having good meals too. I need to get back into a regular groove of eating. I need to try and take control of my life back, even with the new order.
I repeat. I am not doing anybody any good by eating the way I've been eating for the last week.
I wonder if anybody is participating in the Fucking Agreement anymore?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Eaten fairly well today although a bit too much on the carbohydrate side. Still feeling symptoms.
I wonder how long it will take for all that sugar to leave my system? Or for me to figure out that this is not diabetes after all.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Yesterday, he told me that he had been getting onto his treadmill. I was thrilled.
Then, today, I called him around 6 PM just to say "hi." He couldn't talk to me. He, Garrett, and Miles were in the middle of a Wii Fit contest!
I can live with that.
Monday, February 2, 2009
I can't explain the psychological effect you girls have on me...Not to mention your words of comfort, encouragement and support.
And it seems to have motivated me more that I want to have more of this weight off A) for a healthier me B) there is less of me when I fly back to LA whenever that is.
The following has happened for the month of January:
- loss of 10 1/2 inches over body parts that seemed so stagnant and not willing to give up those inches.
- I hit a couple of emotional set backs, but dusted myself off and got back into the groove.
- down one size in jeans as of Saturday. And after trying on some shirts, if losing a little more off my biceps I'll be in a Large. (Something I have not seen since High School)
- I have met my 20% goal of body weight lost and have 5 lbs left to make my 30% goal.
- I have hit and gone past my half way body weight marker. (I have lost more than I have left to lose)
- I lost 14.50 lbs for the month and know that no other month this year will top this month, but I'm gonna give it a shot.
- Pictures for February posted on my other blog.
I'm still feeling a bit weak, but hope that this next month I can amp up my exercise portion of my program. I bought some new tapes..Different from what Richard does. Don't know if I will like them as well, but he has encouraged us to try new and different workouts and that's what I aim to do.
1) I've filled out food sheets for the first time
2) I think about this agreement before I eat
3) I've been eating much healthier breakfasts including
oatmeal and protein shakes instead of just bagels
4) Lunches have been more thoughtful
5) I've been eating more salads
6) I've been passing by the bakery isle without stopping
I still need to pay attention to what I am doing and eating which is where this Fucking Agreement comes in so I am glad we are in for another month.
Here's to a great February for all of us.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I know that I got something out of the agreement in January. I was a long way from perfect, but thanks to you-all I achieved the following:
1. Bread has been taken out of my daily diet.
2. I've exercised on a regular basis.
3. I've added some more vegetables back into my diet.
4. I've reduced the number of times I've eaten out.
5. I started keeping food sheets again.
So, the rules have not changed. There are no rules. We don't have to follow any particluar program. We are not mandated to eat at certain times, exercise at a certain level, or even give testimonials about how we're doing. We don't even have to do well at whatever program we decide to follow. All we have to do is Fucking Agree to do the best we can under our current living circumstances.
If we're sick, if we're injured, we understand that may limit our ability to be healthy. If we have family crisis, we only agree to try to think out our choices so that we don't regret not considering the options. We don't even have to follow through. For thinking about it this month may lead to action later on.
Are you in? Wanna Fucking Agree with me?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Today I woke up feeling better, still weak, and tired but not like yesterday or previous days..
Laura, I really don't know how you survived a whole year in bed..Saturday, I was wishing I was dead..Sunday the same..Monday in chat..I was ready for someone to do me in..I couldn't keep up half the time, the fever was not fun..It just makes me have that much more compassion for you..I know what I'm experiencing is not near as much as you have..But OY girl...
Hope all is well in your worlds..Thinking of all of you.
Monday, January 26, 2009
When I force myself to look at what I am eating, especially when I record it, I do curb my choices. No "food amnesia", so to speak. I'm eating less at night since starting them. I'm moving my choices more towards fruits & vegetables and have re-introduced fish into my diet. So far, my average daily net calories are around 1400. That's food calories taken in and exercise calories gone out. Sunday was my day with Eric, so I didn't exercise. (Shut up! I know what you're thinking - lol!) I hope the daily net calorie count will go lower with exercise the remainder of the days this week.
But I'm not happy. I have to record my weight daily in order to maintain them properly. It's bad enough to look at it on the scale, but to write it down? It's so permenant.
Keeping them is a pain in the ass. I remember when I didn't mind doing them. Things have changed, and I am lazy.
I don't like writing transgressions down. But it's part of the package.
I worry about how Richard is going to react next weekend when I present him with one. He seemed decidedly unhappy about looking at food sheets from me.
But I'm a-keepin' them. I need to be honest. I need to be diligent. I need to know what I'm doing so I can change it up.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I still can't exercise standing up. I can do yoga which I have been doing on a regular basis and I can lift weights which I haven't been doing because I hate it. Walking is out as is Richards videos or anyone's video for that matter. My heel is still killing me. The anti-inflammatory is not working any more. I'm in pain most of the time when I am standing up no less power walking or jumping around doing aerobics.
I just remembered that a long time ago I gave a compact but effective rowing machine to my brother. At the time I was going to the track every day and I really didn't need it but it would definitely work for me now. I just called him and I'm going to go over and pick it up today. I remember this being the hardest and most hated workout I've ever done but if I really want to lose the 10 or 15 pounds that I have put on I have no choice. I will be on my way to Jon's to pick up my machine in a hour or so. We will see how that goes.
I also gave in and made a podiatrist appointment for Monday morning. I'm not looking forward to this because I understand that the treatment of choice is usually a shot or cortisone in one's heel which I've heard hurts like a MF. Again, if I have no choice. Hopefully, if it is to be very painful it will work.
Now the trick is to put those good food choice days together with the exercise days and maybe some weight will come off. My last weigh in was yesterday morning. It was 153.5.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I suppose I probably was depressed even before yesterday, but receiving that phone call from Dr. Bluestone who said that my thyroid was still borderline but not severe enough to treat threw me over the edge. I went from a week giving myself a break because it was possible that perhaps-maybe my gain was not my fault right back to having to accept total responsibility for my predicament. That felt worse than if I had just maintained a level of responsibility in the first place.
The Fucking Agreement. To do the best I can. I don't know what my best is, but any way I slice it, it's not at an acceptable level.
I'm intensely tired all the time. My muscles are shot, and in a way that I've never experienced before. In previous illnesses, I've come back to Slimmons intensely debilitated, but it was only after a few months of being sick. There was some muscle memory left. I just had to deal with systemic issues and in a few months, I was back to a semblence of normal. This time, I'm coming off of a year of not doing anything and my muscles are not gone just in the realm of exercise. They're insufficient for day-to-day activities too. Things like cooking and making my bed and whatnot are so hard to do, and I'm exhausted after doing them.
I've been going to Slimmons six days a week finishing up my third week tomorrow. I don't feel like I'm improving at all, but am left even more tired than before. I'm barely walking through classes and feel like the odd man out. I'd like to quit but don't have permission to do so from anybody.
I hurt all over - fibromyalgia - and am told to "work through the pain." I am inflexible. I am weak. My knees are really bad. My left foot hurts at the surgical zone (almost a whole year after the proceedure!) and have I mentioned to any of you that I broke the big toe on my right foot?
Then there's the issue of sleep. I"m not getting a reasonable night's sleep, even on the new medication. I'm up to the bathroom a minimum of once an hour, even all night long. And nighttime is actually worse. I go, I stumble back to bed, and as soon as I lay prone, something in my colon must shift and allow more to descend because I have to get right back up and run to the bathroom again. I repeat this process at least twice after the initial visit. And yes, we're re-testing for C Diff. I just donated to it. I'm relatively sure it's still very active.
We've made a lot of changes to my medications this week. I can feel them.
My phone won't stop ringing at night. One person calls and I finally divest myself of that one just because call waiting signaled another calling through, and over and over again. I'm so tired of the fucking phone! Why can't anyone call in the daytime?
My car had an expensive repair at the beginning of the week, and I desperately need to get the current necklace for S.N. completed to offset the cost. But I repeat, my phone keeps ringing. My best time to work on that jewelry is in the evening, but nobody leaves me alone.
Eric thinks that I am better now and that I should be functioning at full capacity. Even though I keep telling him that I'm not. Just because I'm greatly improved doesn't mean that I'm there by a long shot.
I could go on and on and on, but to what end? This is turning into a bitch-fest.
The point is that I think I need antidepressants again. But I'm afraid of them. My weight is back to 159, less than 200 pounds lost, and Richard keeps talking about me on his TV appearances. What if I don't measure up to what he's talking about? My only value to him and Slimmons is as a weight loss success story. Without that, I serve no purpose. SSRI's are well known for promoting weight gain.
I feel like I need to be rehydrated via IV again. But there's the weight component. Add more fluid into my body and who knows where my weight will land? It's like playing a slot machine. Sometimes I'm lucky and it goes down. Sometimes I'm not lucky and it goes up. Sometimes the change is permanent and I'm afraid of it.
When I"m this tired, I want to eat more. A lot more. Am I violating the F*ing Agreement when I succumb? And of the bread challenge, I was doing fine not bringing bread into my home. Then Eric showed up with two bags of Pita yesterday, a thoughtful gift responding to a comment I made to him before I stopped with the bread. I had two pieces yesterday. Oy.
I keep forcing myself to cook. I keep forcing myself to eat salads and other healthy foods. They are hell on my colon. I have not had one trip to Slimmons in a week where I didn't soil myself either on the way down or the way home. The skill that I've developed lately in dealing with that is alarming. I shouldn't be so practiced at it that I know what to do that I can keep up with my plans even after disaster. I can't stand it.
Sorry about the long lament. IT's early here, and I'm awake and tired. I'm going to try and ge a little more sleep, but I don't know if that is achievable. But at least I've balanced my checkbook now, come clean on my feelings, and prepared a deposit into my savings account. My savings is small, but I've managed in the last 8 months to actually build a reserve, despite unremitting medical bills. I look at the total and am amazed. It's one bright spot in my life right now. At least I am good at doing something.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
It's funny to think about. Strange funny, not ha ha funny. For the first five days, my life was a living hell. I was all consumed with the notion of bread. I had been going through at least a loaf a week for I-don't-know-how-long, and often more than that. Especially after I was so sick. When there was a loaf of bread in the house, there was always something grab-able, and grab I did.
The thing about bread is that the addiction is not purely mental. There's a physical reaction to carbohydrates too. They act as an antidepressant. Actually raises the seratonin level. If I was more inclined to work at this moment, I'd look up an internet site or two for you to see. But the truth is that I don't think you need to see it. I'll bet y'all have experienced the lift in mood as a result of eating carbs. Bread carbs. Sugar carbs. Even fruit - in my case, specifically apple - carbs.
That's the addictive part. I would get a high from mass consumption, then of course, drop like a stone because bread carbs, unlike apple carbs, don't stick, and then I'd have to go back for more. I think that's the source of my fascination with it for my entire life. And especially the last several months as my energy level from illness was depleted.
So I've done a week of detox now. Although I am not making another commitment to keep it out of my home, I don't feel any great compulsion to buy it right at this moment. I know that I will probably want to bring it in within the next week or so because sandwiches rock. But the loaf will go directly into the freezer and I'll only take a couple of slices out at a time. That behavior has worked well for me in the past, and I expect that it will again now.
Of course, I will report in here on my status as I go along. The Fucking Agreement. Do the best I can. I found my best-I-Can by deciding not to buy bread for a week and posting that commitment to you all. If I hadn't declared myself, I don't know if I'd have gone through with it or not. So at this moment, my Fucking Agreement is to be honest with my bread status for the next 10 days, no matter what I do. Whether I abstain, whether I buy it and put it into the freezer, whether I bring it into my home and refrigerate it, or even if I eat a whole loaf at once.
I'm Fucking Agreeing to be up front and honest. Because I know that bread is one of my weakest points, and I'm relying on you to help me through.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Today I met Eric at the market; we ended up buying sandwiches there at the deli counter. Yes, on bread.
It's funny, but when I thought about the sandwich before it was delivered, I realized that I didn't really care whether there was bread there or not. And when I ate it, it wasn't such a big deal. The addiction is currently cowering in the corner.
I don't have any desire to bring a loaf into my home at the moment. Of course, we'll see how I feel in two days when this self-imposed challenge is over - lol!
Even though I am not feeling my best (I still have that freaking cold and my heel is still talking to me) I went into the living room and popped in a video. Of course there was only one choice. Party off the pounds. I just finished it and I am sweating like crazy. You know what? It felt good to dance around and work up a sweat with Laura (Hi Babe) and Richard. I realize that I absolutely MUST get back to daily exercise and I'm thinking that videos are better for me at this point than going to the track. Although power walking 3 or 4 miles may burn more calories videos don't hurt my heel as much and I'm more likely to do them at this point in time.
Food hasn't been too bad over the last few days. Salt is a problem for me lately. It not only holds on to water weight but it's bad for my high blood pressure. I need to start looking at my salt intake. Geez, food tastes like crap without salt. I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing.
Weight 154.5 Oy vey
Love ya all,
Thursday, January 15, 2009
You see her boyfriend lives on the other side of the city. She likes to go there often to visit. Parking in his neighborhood is horrible. They have permit parking and limited parking for visitors.
It seems that my daughter has been parking where she's not supposed to. She has been getting parking tickets and ignoring them. The total of all the tickets is $360.00!!!! Well today she went out to get into her car and it had an unwanted accessory. A boot!!! Now she has until Saturday to pay $460 or her car will be impounded by the city!!!
She went to her father to see if he could help. Her father told her sister. Her sister called me. My daughter called me!!! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! All this while I'm at work! Enough already!!!!
There's a half eaten bag of tortilla chips and a half a jar of salsa here at work. I want to eat it all!!! I can't do it though because I keep thinking of the F*ing Agreement. Good thing!
UPDATE: I just spoke to my husband. He's taken care of it. He also wrote out a contract for my daughter and had a stern talk with her. This after I lectured her.
It's been five days since a piece has passed my lips. The urge to consume a loaf has not left me. Hence the melt down on oyster crackers last night. They are not the same thing at all (way too salty), but anything in a pinch.
Two more days. But if this rampant desire for it doesn't abate, do I trust myself to buy a new loaf?
For now, I was going to do laundry but they're cutting back the trees outside of my condo. I don't dare step outside unless I want to be brained by falling tree branches. So I guess I'll stay inside, change my bed (no, I haven't done it yet, but imagine a world that I don't have to change it twice a day!), and maybe defrost some chicken and salmon to pre-bake. I think I'll wrap it in filo dough. Technically, it's not bread.
Have a new idea for my other blog based on a picture from Laura's blog..Friday Fridge Day...On Friday's I'm gonna take a picture of my fridge and post it to my other blog..Thought it might be fun.
Hope all is improving and better in your worlds today. Love you all.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I felt so good yesterday. It was the first day in a year that when people asked me how I was feeling, I could enthusiastically say "better!" and I was actually not lying about feeling better. I lived what I would consider a more normal life than I have in a long time.
Eric warned me. "Take it slow." he said. And then he resignedly said, "I know you. I'll tell you to take it easy, but that's just not in your nature, is it?"
I"m paying the price today. Totally exhausted.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I've been on program for a week. I stepped on the scale again today and much to my surprise I'm down 2 pounds!!! I am happy with that. I've learned that I can lose weight without purging!
So - my goals for this week are as follows:
1 - Continue to make good food choices and follow the 1600 calorie plan.
2 - Exercise!!!
3 - Continue to feel good about myself and love myself!
Here's to week 2!!!
I am one that cannot sleep with heat in our room. I get instant headache and bloody noses..Been that way since I was a kid..It's okay in the rest of the house..But in my bedroom NO..I have blankets, comforter, and of course the human furnace..I mean hubby.
I'm going to have to make an appointment to go back and see the Dr. and have my hormone levels checked along with my second Hepatitis A shot. But I'll do that later this week.
Gramps goes to the Dr. today and Dr. will talk to me more about grandma today with her not there. She became very upset at yesterday's appointment that the Dr. agreed with me on some things. (One she's not allowed to go to Gramps appointments anymore and now it bothers her cause she might miss something)
Gotta get in a workout before I take off this morning.
Exercise was good too. I went to the track in the morning and power walked 3 miles and my foot was doing well. I had to work someone out last night so I was on the machines also but by the end of the night my foot was screaming from standing on it for hours. Once again, I don't see what I can do about that other than find another job.
Do we have a theme going here? LOL
Monday, January 12, 2009
On the other hand, my eating was better than it's been in months yesterday. Today it's even better.
Richard offered to do food sheets for anybody in Project Me last Saturday in class. I don't know if "anybody" includes me. Thinking about e-mailing him and asking.
I'm now an officially enrolled member of an IBD support group. My first meeting - they meet monthly - is this Wednesday. Oy.
Took Anne's class this morning. Before Costco. Did about the same as usual. I wonder how long it's going to take to build some muscle?
Woke up with a pain in my stomach and thought it was IBS..or even cramping..Nope it was hunger. Never woke up with hunger pain before. Shocking to me.
Better go feed the body something. Thank you girls..You have no idea how much this blog, and "YOU" are helping me with this.
Weight: 237.3 -4.7 lbs lost for the week.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I've increased my exercise factor. I walk through classes and only put a moderate effort in compared to others, but for me, it's the best I can do. The Fucking Agreement. Do the best I can.
But food is at issue. I don't know where being so weak and so tired all the time ends and where laziness enters. There is a factor there and it would be unfair for me to deny it. But I managed to maintain my weight for a very long time even being sick, and now I feel like it's out of control.
I look at what I'm eating. The Fucking Agreement again. And the biggest weak spot that I see is bread. I've gone through two loaves this week. Not necessarily on sandwiches either, but plain. Something's gotta give.
In other parts of the world, they don't have bread readily available. They make rice, cous cous, quinoa, or whatever. I think I need to join the other part of the world.
I am out of bread this morning, and it is a market day. I pledge for this week only, not to bring any bread into my home. I do not promise not to eat it at restaurants, but no more here. Just for this week. I will pre-make some rice and cous cous this afternoon, and also premake the dry ingredients of salad and I will pre-steam up a bunch of vegetables.
This could be a great week. This could also be a horrible week. Because I don't know if the C Diff is slowing down because my diet seemly has turned almost completely to starches. Increased vegetables may end up making me really sick. But I must give this a try.
My body has grand "delusions" of what should be happening. Yesterday and today gone into full blown menstrual cycle..and I'm on the freaking pill and not supposed to be. Cramping from the menstrual cycle and having IBS attacks are not cool. Spent some of the day back in bed, with knees pulled up to my stomach hoping to relieve some of the pain and pressure.
I looked at my water from yesterday..I didn't drink enough..48 oz. Could be another reason why I'm bloated up..
Still feel pain in my intestines and lower back. But then it may not have helped being in bed half the day.
Claudia said sometime to me last year, that I would finally come to realize I need exercise to help me lose weight. After a week of exercising and not yesterday, seeing the scale has me convinced of that. I'm sure there was other factors in this, but my body does feel like a void has happened.
How can I go to a high of highs and then crash the next day? Gotta push myself today..Gotta get back on the momentum train. Gotta break this zero..I just gotta..
Weight:240.4 A two pound gain! Grrrrr
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I need to start working on exercise. I also need to start doing food sheets. I'm doing okay without them but I do know that they are an important tool to keep me going.
I am a Mom-mom again!!! That's right! My daughter and son-in-law have adopted!!! I am thrilled. His name is Ruger Benjamin Thorton Johnson! He's brown and fuzzy and sooo cute!! Oh - did I forget to mention that he's a chocolate labrador retreiver!!! I can't wait to meet him. He's 5 years old and, according to my daughter, very well behaved.
I hope you all are having a great day!
I stepped on the scale and I'm firmly into the 230's. Not scantly by a tenth of a pound or a little more..but I can say, I'm in the 230's.
I have not been in the 230's since just after my son's birth 14 years ago..It's been 14 freaking years since I've seen this number. Why it took so long? So many questions I've found myself asking me.
I am not going to self sabotage now..I have this agreement with you, my friends. I made this agreement with you my friends..My accountability partners. I take you, in my thoughts with me daily..Each and every one of you..I'm more determined after stepping on the scale to give 100% to myself so that I can look and feel my best when we can see each other again.
I love you!
Lunch is a problem for me. Maybe I'm just lazy. I can never come up with anything that is satisfying enough to take me through to dinner. I start snacking and I am dead meat. Soup and salad? Yuk! Baked potato? Yuk! Whatever? Yuk! I hate lunch. It is one of my least favorite words in the English language. Even Pat and Kerry know not to ask the deadly question "whats for lunch?" I don't do lunch. I need to come up with some ideas to stop the afternoon hunger. If I can stop that I am golden.
Have a great Saturday.I love you all
Friday, January 9, 2009
Dr. V wants me to try out an IBD Support group. He says that this one is different than the norm; more action oriented than usual. I agreed, contacted them via e-mail, but they need to screen me before letting me into their group. I actually appreciate that. Lets me know that this is probably a safer group than most.
Food, as usual, starts out good, then degenerates. I find that as I get tired, I'm too tired to make anything for myself, so I just grab. I'm leaning away from less healthy choices, but the problem is what is really less healthy for me? Vegetables provoke attacks. Fruit provokes attacks. Did I mention that I had an 'accident' - a really big one - right before my doctor's appointment? Then I had to beg them to let me use the private bathroom to clean up instead of the public multi-stall one in the hall. Code Brown. It was awful.
Had the doctor's appointment in lieu of exercise today. Will go tomorrow.
Don't think I got enough water in yesterday, my weight is up today..First time in many days..Feels slightly discouraging. I knew it could/would happen eventually..But I've trying these last couple of weeks to break that 240 barrier and get down into the 230's and move on from there. Could be retention from not drinking enough?
Proud of myself for not caving into munchies attacking yesterday.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I'm here!!! I am doing okay. My eating has been at 1600 calories since Monday. Exercise has been 5 minutes a day. I really need to up that to between 20-30 minutes a day. Physically I feel like I'm going through sugar/junk food detox. I'm feeling better today but the first couple of days were rough.
Family life is crazy. Bob has been given another month off of work because of his knees. The antibiotic he was on for the infection in his toe caused degenerative joint disease in his knees. He now has to go to physical therapy to strengthen his quadriceps. He does that for a month and then he goes back to the orthopedic doctor and they are considering Synvisc shots (for those of you not aware of them they are synthetic viscous fluid shots given in the knee - one a week for 3-5 weeks).
Allie - my 5 year old granddaughter - has pneumonia. She started on Monday with a cold and on Tuesday was taken to Nighttime Pediatrics because she was wheezing. That's when they did a chest x-ray and found pneumonia.
Kaela came home today with a bad cold. I probably gave it to her. I had a cold last week.
Oh well - I've bored you enough! LOL
I hope you have a great day!!!
Hugs - Beth
Food was good yesterday, I panicked at 5:30 when I realized I hadn't done a tape. So I popped in Sit Tight and did that. Next week I think I'll do Party off the Pounds for the week.
I'm about to head off to the kitchen and make up a big breakfast for me this morning to start my day being busy.
I wish you all success today in your endeavors.
Today's weight: 239.6
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Congrats to you Ang. It's always exciting to get into a lower set of numbers even if it is by .5 pounds. That's what I'm working towards.
I woke up yesterday with the beginning symptoms of a head cold. Headache, scatchy throat, pressurey feeling in my head. I'm trying to ignore it but that's not happening in fact I had an epiphany yesterday. I eat when I am sick. I never really noticed that before yesterday but looking back on though my life it is true. I spent a lot of the day with my head in the fridge looking for things to eat. You know, like trolling for food and when I find something I take it into bed and eat it as if that will make me feel better. I'm glad that I learned this very important thing about myself. It's amazing to me that I could be almost 57 years old and not know something so important about myself. I guess I need to be more observant which this agreement is helping me do.
Today I am still sick, probably worse. I'm very happy that I don't have to work tonight. I am going to go back to bed and stay there until tomorrow. At least now I'm aware of my food proclivities and will watch out for the signs of mindless eating. I had another "volume" breakfast of eggbeaters with lots of veggies and one piece of toast this morning. So far, so good.
My exercise has been good. It seems to be the easy part of all this for me. Yesterday I had a private yoga session with Juliana which was just what I needed to feel human enough to go to work and stand up for hours yesterday. Today I went to the track because I had made arrangements to meet a friend there so I had to go. I walked 2 1/2 miles before I started to really not feel well so I quit. My foot is still giving me some lip but has been much better overall over the last few days.
I find myself very aware of this all important agreement. If I can start putting good food decision days together with good exercising days I think I may be on the right track.
Love ya all,
Holy CROW the numbers for the first week were HUGE! I realize they train more than an hour a day, thanks to someone here telling me that last year..The couple that I found myself choking up for? The grandparents. The grandpa fainted before Jillian Michaels could get a hold of their team. He was beginning his workout and passed out. He returned after their starting weigh in. At their first weigh in, he lost 25 lbs, and grandma lost 9 lbs, team white. HE IS 63..That was inspiring!
The other person I liked was from team green. She had a real positive attitude. I realize it's her first week, and she may feel different after the second or third week after Jillian keeps getting in her face..But it might be interesting for me to watch.
I woke up this morning still feeling proud of myself for not caving into one of my old habits of coming after being emotionally tormented with my grandparents and having hubby go get fast food. I cooked our dinner. It was very good, and I had my slice of pie..I didn't feel deprived. I didn't feel like binging, after talking to my mom and telling her what was happening with her parents and asking her opinion on what should be our next step. (Caught grandma trying to use her Albuterol Inhaler because she had a frog in her throat, and she felt that it suddenly was asthma related. OY!! Left them in the car, parked in front of the store, told them to stay in the car, while I ran in to purchase Grandpa's new underwear..Standing in line to pay, (no more than 5 minutes of being in there) he came flying in with no walker announcing to the entire floor of JCPenny's he had to pee, where's the bathroom he was going to pee his pants. And grandma in tears because they were fighting in the car and she couldn't control him.Screaming at me I can't make her live with him)
I kept remembering my promise to you girls. I kept thinking about the numbers on the scale that they were going down. For that I'm excited that this may be the turning point I need to jump start this weight loss again.
I've been doing fairly short (30 min) workouts last week, and will finish up this week doing them..Next week I'll go into a longer tape to build things up. Slow and steady right?
I hope you girls are having better days.
Weight: 239.6 (yeah baby!!! Dipped my foot into the 230's)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Hope you are all well today and not being driven too crazy!! I began this day the same as yesterday, breakfast wise anyway. I just love yogurt with blueberries and 3/4 c. cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats to be exact. I feel full until just around noon then the ol belly starts talkin'. I did go produce shopping and bought bags of fresh items. I did make a pot of Richard's tomato soup. I will tell you honestly it was flat. It gave me instant heartburn. Not a do-over thats for sure. I will probably use it to make some pasta dish due to the high flavor of garlic...yum! The rest of the day I spent on me. Doing absolutely nothing. Ive been running fast and hard for 4 months with school, internships, and my parents and a stressed out marriage that I think I maybe suseptable to some "blues" coming my way. I sat in front of the TV and zoned out! Didnt even call my folks, thats rare. Well Im determined to get out today and go visit the folks and also have a meeting at school tonight to pick up last minute paper work the teacher didnt get to last month....talk about OY.
C ya tomorrow
Today will be a long day away from home. I'm leaving here at 9am to go pick up grandpa and take him in for his MRI at 10:00am. Then he has a 1pm apointment with his Primary Dr. So guess what I get to listen to the older generation (1 dementia, and 1 alzheimer's) argue over the stupidist things for at least 5 maybe 6 hours. Isn't that great? Don'tcha want to be me? Awww come on..Don'tcha want to listen to the argument of who of their friends is dead or alive? Why can't they have an allowance of more than $50.00 a month? How many times one picks on the other one for not changing their pants or shirt more than 1 time a week? Don't touch me there! Quit being loud you're embarrassing me she will yell at him.
So as you can see from the above this will be one of my emotional, high stress days. But I made this agreement with ya'll and I will try very hard to remain true to my food plan and not waver, or eat emotionally. I'm hoping that after I get home I can do some toning.
I changed my food plan for dinner around so I don't have much prep to do for dinner when I get home tonight. We have enough of the pie left over last night we can all have a piece for dessert tonight and finish it off.
I wish you well, I wish you success today in whatever you do.
I'm off to go over tonights new recipe, and make me a huge breakfast!
Weight today: 240.6
Monday, January 5, 2009
There were six of us there, plus Anne. All of the women were professional; some still are. They're highly opinionated and vocal, offering opinions on everything social and political even during the class. Interesting.
For breakfast, I had two pieces of dry rye toast early. I know, bad choice. But then I grabbed a tangerine and a pack of dried cranberries to eat on the way down. Did you know that Trader Joes packages it's dried cranberries in single-serving sizes now? I find it easy to manage my dried fruit when it's pre-measured for me, so I don't have to go without this year.
Anyway, by the time class was done, I was hungry, and had some of the roast chicken on a sandwich when I got home. I need to have a little fruit, then I'm done until dinner.
I bought enough vegetables to make up a double-batch of my chicken soup. Too tired to cut them up, though. Maybe later; maybe tomorrow. But soon. Half of the appeal of my soup is that the vegetables are so fresh, and if I let it go too long, they won't be anymore.
Do you realize that when I called Richard in July I was down 85 lbs and had 15 to go to the hundred pound marker? And today I am still 17 lbs away from that 100 lb marker.
I've never posted my weight before in this public forum. I did in the clubhouse but that came off after some nasty PM's came my way.. Maybe it's shame, maybe I'm just too mortified. Maybe I'm afraid it's used against me.
I've thought about this group and how much you have meant to me this last year. How you supported me when we didn't know what was going on with me medically, and how you've been there for my moral, when I have bad days with Gram or Gramps. This group without trying has encouraged me to try new things, step out of my comfort zone and live. It was all good things I assure you. So here goes.
Today I stepped on the scale..The numbers read: 242 lbs. There I said it, typed it and soon it will be published. Maybe now I can heal and get past this part.
I will make the best choices I can these next couple of weeks and pray that I can work through this. I will work through this and finally get into the 230's.
Yesterday went as I had expected it would. As soon as Kerry left I hit the food and consumed about 600 more calories than I needed. Yeah, that sucked but it is also not as bad as my Kerry leaving binges have been in the past and again for me this is all about small victories. I guess it's pretty pathetic when a 600 calorie binge is considered a small victory. It is what it is and I am letting it go. Full speed ahead into today.
I went to the track and power walked 3 miles before I started feeling my foot. I figured out that if I'm feeling it in any way even if I am just aware of it it is time to stop so I did. I do have to work today and I have to be able to stand for 5 hours and that had something to do with my decision. I think I will do a few reps with weights for my chest, shoulders and triceps right after I finish this post. I'm trying to get back to my old exercise regime.
Food so far has not been bad. I made myself a "Fab Four" breakfast which was 1/2 cup of eggbeater with scallions, mushrooms and orange peppers all scrambled up with just a small amount of cheddar cheese. I also had a piece of rye toast with coffee and skim milk. I'm thinking that a breakfast like this is better than the half of a bagel and fruit that I usually go with. Maybe it's the protein but I'm not as hungry as I normally am at this time of day.
I'm not sure what lunch will be. Maybe some soup and a half of a baked potato. Dinner will be rice and beans. Boy, it sounds good on paper now if only I can follow though...
I will be posting my weight here. This morning it was 153.5
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I am so lost you guys and I dont know if Im posting to your blog or not....LOL Well today is sunday...also the day I listen to the Beatles show on the radio, I always feel closer to Claudia somehow....Laura, sorry that you crashed and burned but I hope you were able to enjoy the movie before that happened. I hear its a good movie but a looooong one. I hope you all enjoy this sunday(today) and that things go your way....
Enjoy what ever you do today
Saturday, January 3, 2009
My head is feeling better, took some Tylenol P.M. a short while ago, and I expect to be knocked out shortly.
Have a severe attack of the munchies but refuse to go eat anything because of not wanting to wreck my food diary today. So I'll come here and post.
I agree with Claudia, that I really feel better that this is here. I know we can't get on the phone daily and check in with each other, but this just helps me HUGE! (Pun intended) It does feel like a safety net for me too.
Laura, I completely understand what you are saying, and wonder if what you are seeing in difference is "definition" vs unable to exercise for the time being? Does that make sense? I know that I may weigh the same but if I've slacked off in exercise, and toning, my definition or weight is carried different..yet I still weigh the same. Have you stepped on the scales at Slimmons to see how they compare to yours?
I hope all is well with you. Thanks for letting blab here, my hunger or desire to munch has passed. I'll drink some more water before I go off to bed.
Love you all
Well, here I am typing up my first post on this blog. It feels really good to know that this is here. I feel like I have a safety net now. I'm thinking this blog is really going to help me stay in line.
In keeping with the agreement I think I did pretty well today. I made some good choices and one or two not so good choices but all in all I'm feeling pretty good.
Kerry and I went shopping today and walked around from noon to almost 6:00pm. That time frame includes about 45 minutes for lunch, 45 minutes for coffee and more time in dressing rooms than I care to think about. I don't usually consider shopping cardio but shopping with Kerry is usually more strenuous than many aerobics classes. LOL She really puts me through my paces. I'm thinking that we probably walked around for a good 2 or 3 hours in total. To me, I feel as if I actually got in some exercise.
Food wasn't bad today. Breakfast was a half a bagel with a little cream cheese and a small orange with coffee. Not too bad. Lunch was a big salad with ranch dressing. Again not too bad. Dinner was a small black bean burrito with about 10 chips and a small side of guacamole. I guess I could have done without the chips and guac but still not too bad. I'm done eating for the day so I'm pretty happy with how I did today.
Tomorrow is coming faster than I would like. Kerry is leaving to go back to UF in the afternoon and then we will really see how well I am able to keep up my end of the F*ing Agreement.
Laura, Baby, stop comparing yourself with other people. It's a losing proposition. You can't win because you will never let yourself win. I know how you are about this stuff. Just don't do it. Be happy that you are doing as well as you are and do your best to keep up your part of the F*ing Agreement.
I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and post the results.
Made it through. I'm so weak, but I managed to stand up almost the whole class. I did stand for the whole aerobics part!
Richard got a new car. Black Range Rover, tricked out with some kind of fancy side grills. Really cool looking.
When I arrived at class, he was already inside, but Michelle was parking it. She told me that it had the kind of suspension that raises and lowers it. It's actually meant for off-road use.
So you know me and my big mouth. After class was over, I asked Richard if he was going to raise his new truck for us. He replied with a discourse about the DVD that they (I assume he and Teresa and Michelle) had to watch to try and understand how the truck works, but it's so complicated that they will have to watch it again. But that's not what *I* wanted to know.
"Does the horn blare La Cucharacha when you raise and lower the suspension?" I asked him.
He denied it but then Michelle proved once again why I love her so much. She looked at the two of us and said "Yes it does! We just haven't done it yet!"
Watching myself in the mirror during class was tough. My scale said 158 today... I'm surprised that it wasn't higher since at Mongolian BBQ, I mistook what ended up being Garlic Salt for Garlic Powder. My dinner was like eating a salt shaker.
Anyway, this is the first time in quite a while that I got to see myself in a mirror next to other people who purportedly weigh around the same as me. I look so much bigger than them! After class, I asked Amy to stand next to me in front of the mirror so that I could try to size the two of us up together. She insists that we look the same (so did John when he found out what we were doing), but I don't think so. My question is not whether I am bigger than her or not, it's whether my bigger is a lot bigger than the 10 pound difference in our respective weights. (She's 148.) Do I need to buy a new scale? Is mine old enough that it is no longer giving me accurate readings?
You know how I am with this stuff. I like to be brutally honest for fear of going into denail (which I would like to do). And now I don't know if my numbers are real or ficticious. But I think I'm going to hold off buying a new one just for a little while longer. Good scales are expensive! And maybe I'm just seeing myself through the eyes of somebody who was very tired.
Made breakfast..Wasn't happy with it. But ate it. I think I used too many peppers and it overwhelmed the other flavors.
I tried to exercise today (Sit tight) got through 15 minutes of it and my stomach started to rock and roll because of my migraine. So I quit. Now laying here in bed, with a pounding, thumping feeling.
Dinner is planned, and the kids have volunteered to help me make it so I'm not standing up so much, but can get back to bed.
I don't want to take the Excedrin migraine. I have not had caffeine in over a year..A serious addiction. It will keep me up until 2 or 3 in the morning, something I can't afford. So more water than usual to help it..(I hope)
I'll post food on my other blog tomorrow.
Well, during the movie I felt heart palpitations. And as we walked out of the theater, I crashed and burned. Not sure how many gawkers standing around and laughing at me as I lay on the floor. Eric claims none, but I know better than that.
Slimmons in the morning remains tbd. I was able to sit up for several hours again today, and no fever. It's tomorrow now (after midnight), so it's a record. If I get through the night without requiring a sheet change, I still think I may try going. I can always leave after Project Me if I feel funny. But if I don't push things, I don't know that I'm ever going to get better.
Friday, January 2, 2009
After grocery shopping for two hours with 1 grandma and 3 children in tow..I managed to get the bulk of the grocery shopping done. Can I just say Vegetable and Fruit Prices are on the rise here!
After coming home and unloading, sorting, and putting away I wanted to binge eat. I was starved, and my emotions were running big time, and frankly I was tired. Instead, I chopped up yellow, orange and green peppers, and julienned the red peppers, cut celery into 3 inch pieces and then put them in their prospective containers to store in the refrigerator.
I rewarded myself with 2 mandarin oranges, and 24 oz water bottle, and then wrote in my grateful journal.
I did get in Blast & Tone after dinner tonight and oldest did that with me.
How long will these little voices stay in my head, as I imagine that we are together again sitting around a table, laughing, talking, and cutting up about anything and everything? Time will tell..But it's nice to hear hear them again.
Ok, it's over. I weigh every day anyway, so it wasn't a big deal to take your suggestion and weigh in on New Year's Eve. Ahem - at least no more a big deal than it is to weigh any other time which I hate at all times, but do because I know the quickest way to losing my path is not to know the number.
Drum Roll Please...
Exactly the same weight I started the year out at. Way more flabby and terribly out of shape, but no heavier.
Ok, I guess I shouldn't be that proud of the number because before the transgressions of December 2007, I weighed 148. But I am proud. This has been a very tough year, much of it being desperately ill. I've been pumped full of all sorts of medicines that resulted in water gain. I barely exercised; too weak or feverish or whatever to even get out of bed a lot of the time. My food choices were not always great; my weakness meant that I had to rely a lot of frozen processed food or restaurant take out; relying on whatever was convenient for others to bring to me. My weight - at times - soared as high as 170 and I figured all was lost.
But the bottom line is that this morning, the number was 155. The year, from an empirical number standpoint, apparently was a wash. And if the doctors have really finally found all that ails me and my health improves in 2009, I'll better the number then.
For now, I'll take 155 and not complain. Much.
The biggest problem with this e-mail is that it is completely true, but left one important fact out. I have had diahrreah and have vomited all year as a result of my illness. Part of my weight maintenance component has been illness, and that does not exactly make me proud. On the other hand, it was not classical purging, and I don't know if the calories lost that way would have been compensated for by eating better and exercising had I been in better health. For now, I guess I'll just focus on getting better and living by the spirit of the agreement.
Angie asked to join us for January, and of course! She's considering posting her food choices on her blog. She planned two weeks of meals. She has a huge list for the grocery store. She's let the kids know that the family is eating healthier again..
She's incorporated a dessert in every other day menu's so that none feel deprived..
Beth has signed on. She's starting on 1600 calories on Monday. She's just going to try to make the best food choices she can and try to exercise - even if it's only for 5 minutes a day.
Vennie is in. She flushed half a carton of Haagen-Das and half a container of Cool Whip Lite down the garbage disposal. They were in the freezer, so she missed them when she cleaned out the fridge of contraband on the first go-around. She's starting with regular walks for Madison, and then will add one of Richard's videos, even if it's only a few minutes to start with.
Laura made a huge pan of sauteed vegetables as refrigerator stock. She used them over Cous Cous for dinner last night, and again this morning in scrambled eggs. She is not ready to commit to any kind of exercise at this point.
Claudia says that her December was not that bad and she attributes it to the Fucking Agreement. Even though she wasn't able to exercise much she still made much better food choices than she was making before. She's glad to say that since the agreement she has not made any unhealthy choices like she was before. The Fucking Agreement made her think about things before she ate them and says that maybe all she really needed to get herself back on track.
Also, today she said she's not making any grand declarations about losing this many pounds or getting into that size. For her, she's just happy that she said "no thank you" when Kerry asked her if she wanted something from the Mrs Fields cookie stand today. (The Agreement was in play there) That to her is a small thing that can lead to bigger things and that's what the Fucking Agreement is all about.
Laura thought that perhaps a blog that we all could post to might work better than e-mail for the purposes of the Fucking Agreement. It would be easier to review and garner inspiration from when there would be one place for all of us to go to. All the Fabbies are invited to post; hopefully we all will like this idea and run with it.
At the beginning of December, Claudia & I were talking on the phone. I was lamenting my health & physical status (poor Claudia! I was so sick & feverish and my brain was not in forward gear); and that there was almost nobody that I could talk to about my situation as a whole. Yes, we all are wonderful friends and you are there for me through thick & thin (bad pun), sickness & health, and even when my brain short-circuits and I say and do things I wish I hadn't. But the truth is that we live in far-flung corners of the country and come together only rarely. We've all faced individual challenges in the past year, really bad ones, and we are all - to varying degrees - struggling with out weight (again).
It's gotten harder for us to talk about it. We used to be in almost the same weight category and are not anymore. How can I complain about my seven pounds and the struggles I am having when some of us are dealing with so much more. And my own feeling is that those of us who are dealing with more don't feel as free talking to me either.
Anyway, Claudia & I were talking about it in early December. We're both at roughly the same weight gain number. And we're both dealing with health issues (given they're vastly different) that are restricting our ability to be out and about. We're struggling, hard, and at least I felt that because we were not dealing with such large numbers, our struggles were being largely discounted. Just like how all of us used to roll our eyes when our chronically thin friends would complain about being "fat."
So Claudia & I decided to make an agreement for the month of December. What we ended up coining as the "Fucking Agreement." It was simple. That we would do our very best to eat healthy for the month. That was it.
For me, it helped. A lot. You know how December is. Even as I was not getting out much, temptation was thrown in my path. If you read my blog, you know about the agony-of-the-brownies delivered to my front door. There was more, too. Mostly I didn't share. But because of the agreement I made with Claudia, I always thought hard before I transgressed.
Claudia & I just decided to extend the agreement into this month. Yes, January, when all eyes are focused on dieting. Claudia blogged about it today, and Angie asked if she could join us. Of course she can!
Then I got an e-mail from Vennie, who has just purged her home of contraband. I also talked to Beth a couple of nights ago, and her intent was to start to get back on track in January, without ( and Beth, I repeat WITHOUT ) putting pressure on herself that will bring her eating disorders back into play. I saw how Becky posted about her struggles in Richard's Forum .
So now I am making it official. Asking if any of you want to join Claudia & I in the "Fucking Agreement?" The rules are simple.
There are no rules. There is no specific program. Just make the very best food decisions for yourself that you can for the month of January. You can talk about it if you want - or not. You can confess if you want - or not. You can be completely silent if you prefer. But if you decide to join us, mean it.
Anybody want to play?
PS - I've been on double-strength antibiotics for 36 hours now. I was able to sit up for several hours in a row today. Progress?