Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Feeling Better

Sorry I haven't been around as of late..Got either something viral, or a really bad flare up..Not sure what it was.

Today I woke up feeling better, still weak, and tired but not like yesterday or previous days..

Laura, I really don't know how you survived a whole year in bed..Saturday, I was wishing I was dead..Sunday the same..Monday in chat..I was ready for someone to do me in..I couldn't keep up half the time, the fever was not fun..It just makes me have that much more compassion for you..I know what I'm experiencing is not near as much as you have..But OY girl...

Hope all is well in your worlds..Thinking of all of you.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Food Sheets

I've kept my food sheet for three days now. It's a mixed blessing.

When I force myself to look at what I am eating, especially when I record it, I do curb my choices. No "food amnesia", so to speak. I'm eating less at night since starting them. I'm moving my choices more towards fruits & vegetables and have re-introduced fish into my diet. So far, my average daily net calories are around 1400. That's food calories taken in and exercise calories gone out. Sunday was my day with Eric, so I didn't exercise. (Shut up! I know what you're thinking - lol!) I hope the daily net calorie count will go lower with exercise the remainder of the days this week.

But I'm not happy. I have to record my weight daily in order to maintain them properly. It's bad enough to look at it on the scale, but to write it down? It's so permenant.

Keeping them is a pain in the ass. I remember when I didn't mind doing them. Things have changed, and I am lazy.

I don't like writing transgressions down. But it's part of the package.

I worry about how Richard is going to react next weekend when I present him with one. He seemed decidedly unhappy about looking at food sheets from me.

But I'm a-keepin' them. I need to be honest. I need to be diligent. I need to know what I'm doing so I can change it up.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Saturday morning check in

I've been doing very well where food is concerned. I've actually been making pretty good choices most of the time which means I'm living up to this Fucking Agreement. I've incorporated a protein shake with blueberries for breakfast a few days a week and my snack choices have been yogurt or fruit. Not bad. I'm pretty proud. Yeah, proud of my food choices but I have other issues which are biting me in the butt.

I still can't exercise standing up. I can do yoga which I have been doing on a regular basis and I can lift weights which I haven't been doing because I hate it. Walking is out as is Richards videos or anyone's video for that matter. My heel is still killing me. The anti-inflammatory is not working any more. I'm in pain most of the time when I am standing up no less power walking or jumping around doing aerobics.

I just remembered that a long time ago I gave a compact but effective rowing machine to my brother. At the time I was going to the track every day and I really didn't need it but it would definitely work for me now. I just called him and I'm going to go over and pick it up today. I remember this being the hardest and most hated workout I've ever done but if I really want to lose the 10 or 15 pounds that I have put on I have no choice. I will be on my way to Jon's to pick up my machine in a hour or so. We will see how that goes.

I also gave in and made a podiatrist appointment for Monday morning. I'm not looking forward to this because I understand that the treatment of choice is usually a shot or cortisone in one's heel which I've heard hurts like a MF. Again, if I have no choice. Hopefully, if it is to be very painful it will work.

Now the trick is to put those good food choice days together with the exercise days and maybe some weight will come off. My last weigh in was yesterday morning. It was 153.5.

Friday, January 23, 2009

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Ok. I admit it. I am intensely depressed and I don't know what to do about it.

I suppose I probably was depressed even before yesterday, but receiving that phone call from Dr. Bluestone who said that my thyroid was still borderline but not severe enough to treat threw me over the edge. I went from a week giving myself a break because it was possible that perhaps-maybe my gain was not my fault right back to having to accept total responsibility for my predicament. That felt worse than if I had just maintained a level of responsibility in the first place.

The Fucking Agreement. To do the best I can. I don't know what my best is, but any way I slice it, it's not at an acceptable level.

I'm intensely tired all the time. My muscles are shot, and in a way that I've never experienced before. In previous illnesses, I've come back to Slimmons intensely debilitated, but it was only after a few months of being sick. There was some muscle memory left. I just had to deal with systemic issues and in a few months, I was back to a semblence of normal. This time, I'm coming off of a year of not doing anything and my muscles are not gone just in the realm of exercise. They're insufficient for day-to-day activities too. Things like cooking and making my bed and whatnot are so hard to do, and I'm exhausted after doing them.

I've been going to Slimmons six days a week finishing up my third week tomorrow. I don't feel like I'm improving at all, but am left even more tired than before. I'm barely walking through classes and feel like the odd man out. I'd like to quit but don't have permission to do so from anybody.

I hurt all over - fibromyalgia - and am told to "work through the pain." I am inflexible. I am weak. My knees are really bad. My left foot hurts at the surgical zone (almost a whole year after the proceedure!) and have I mentioned to any of you that I broke the big toe on my right foot?

Then there's the issue of sleep. I"m not getting a reasonable night's sleep, even on the new medication. I'm up to the bathroom a minimum of once an hour, even all night long. And nighttime is actually worse. I go, I stumble back to bed, and as soon as I lay prone, something in my colon must shift and allow more to descend because I have to get right back up and run to the bathroom again. I repeat this process at least twice after the initial visit. And yes, we're re-testing for C Diff. I just donated to it. I'm relatively sure it's still very active.

We've made a lot of changes to my medications this week. I can feel them.

My phone won't stop ringing at night. One person calls and I finally divest myself of that one just because call waiting signaled another calling through, and over and over again. I'm so tired of the fucking phone! Why can't anyone call in the daytime?

My car had an expensive repair at the beginning of the week, and I desperately need to get the current necklace for S.N. completed to offset the cost. But I repeat, my phone keeps ringing. My best time to work on that jewelry is in the evening, but nobody leaves me alone.

Eric thinks that I am better now and that I should be functioning at full capacity. Even though I keep telling him that I'm not. Just because I'm greatly improved doesn't mean that I'm there by a long shot.

I could go on and on and on, but to what end? This is turning into a bitch-fest.

The point is that I think I need antidepressants again. But I'm afraid of them. My weight is back to 159, less than 200 pounds lost, and Richard keeps talking about me on his TV appearances. What if I don't measure up to what he's talking about? My only value to him and Slimmons is as a weight loss success story. Without that, I serve no purpose. SSRI's are well known for promoting weight gain.

I feel like I need to be rehydrated via IV again. But there's the weight component. Add more fluid into my body and who knows where my weight will land? It's like playing a slot machine. Sometimes I'm lucky and it goes down. Sometimes I'm not lucky and it goes up. Sometimes the change is permanent and I'm afraid of it.

When I"m this tired, I want to eat more. A lot more. Am I violating the F*ing Agreement when I succumb? And of the bread challenge, I was doing fine not bringing bread into my home. Then Eric showed up with two bags of Pita yesterday, a thoughtful gift responding to a comment I made to him before I stopped with the bread. I had two pieces yesterday. Oy.

I keep forcing myself to cook. I keep forcing myself to eat salads and other healthy foods. They are hell on my colon. I have not had one trip to Slimmons in a week where I didn't soil myself either on the way down or the way home. The skill that I've developed lately in dealing with that is alarming. I shouldn't be so practiced at it that I know what to do that I can keep up with my plans even after disaster. I can't stand it.

Sorry about the long lament. IT's early here, and I'm awake and tired. I'm going to try and ge a little more sleep, but I don't know if that is achievable. But at least I've balanced my checkbook now, come clean on my feelings, and prepared a deposit into my savings account. My savings is small, but I've managed in the last 8 months to actually build a reserve, despite unremitting medical bills. I look at the total and am amazed. It's one bright spot in my life right now. At least I am good at doing something.



Saturday, January 17, 2009

No Bread, Day 7

So this is it. The end of the 'No Bread' self-imposed challenge. The week long moratorium on bringing bread into my home.

It's funny to think about. Strange funny, not ha ha funny. For the first five days, my life was a living hell. I was all consumed with the notion of bread. I had been going through at least a loaf a week for I-don't-know-how-long, and often more than that. Especially after I was so sick. When there was a loaf of bread in the house, there was always something grab-able, and grab I did.

The thing about bread is that the addiction is not purely mental. There's a physical reaction to carbohydrates too. They act as an antidepressant. Actually raises the seratonin level. If I was more inclined to work at this moment, I'd look up an internet site or two for you to see. But the truth is that I don't think you need to see it. I'll bet y'all have experienced the lift in mood as a result of eating carbs. Bread carbs. Sugar carbs. Even fruit - in my case, specifically apple - carbs.

That's the addictive part. I would get a high from mass consumption, then of course, drop like a stone because bread carbs, unlike apple carbs, don't stick, and then I'd have to go back for more. I think that's the source of my fascination with it for my entire life. And especially the last several months as my energy level from illness was depleted.

So I've done a week of detox now. Although I am not making another commitment to keep it out of my home, I don't feel any great compulsion to buy it right at this moment. I know that I will probably want to bring it in within the next week or so because sandwiches rock. But the loaf will go directly into the freezer and I'll only take a couple of slices out at a time. That behavior has worked well for me in the past, and I expect that it will again now.

Of course, I will report in here on my status as I go along. The Fucking Agreement. Do the best I can. I found my best-I-Can by deciding not to buy bread for a week and posting that commitment to you all. If I hadn't declared myself, I don't know if I'd have gone through with it or not. So at this moment, my Fucking Agreement is to be honest with my bread status for the next 10 days, no matter what I do. Whether I abstain, whether I buy it and put it into the freezer, whether I bring it into my home and refrigerate it, or even if I eat a whole loaf at once.

I'm Fucking Agreeing to be up front and honest. Because I know that bread is one of my weakest points, and I'm relying on you to help me through.

Friday, January 16, 2009

No Bread, Day 6

It's gotten easier. A LOT easier!

Today I met Eric at the market; we ended up buying sandwiches there at the deli counter. Yes, on bread.

It's funny, but when I thought about the sandwich before it was delivered, I realized that I didn't really care whether there was bread there or not. And when I ate it, it wasn't such a big deal. The addiction is currently cowering in the corner.

I don't have any desire to bring a loaf into my home at the moment. Of course, we'll see how I feel in two days when this self-imposed challenge is over - lol!

Daily exercise

I woke up this morning and decided that this not working out is not working out for me. I don't really get a real workout at work. I'm busy working out everyone else. I need ME exercise. Yeah.

Even though I am not feeling my best (I still have that freaking cold and my heel is still talking to me) I went into the living room and popped in a video. Of course there was only one choice. Party off the pounds. I just finished it and I am sweating like crazy. You know what? It felt good to dance around and work up a sweat with Laura (Hi Babe) and Richard. I realize that I absolutely MUST get back to daily exercise and I'm thinking that videos are better for me at this point than going to the track. Although power walking 3 or 4 miles may burn more calories videos don't hurt my heel as much and I'm more likely to do them at this point in time.

Food hasn't been too bad over the last few days. Salt is a problem for me lately. It not only holds on to water weight but it's bad for my high blood pressure. I need to start looking at my salt intake. Geez, food tastes like crap without salt. I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing.

Weight 154.5 Oy vey

Love ya all,

Thursday, January 15, 2009


So you think that when your kid turns 18 that your job as a mother is over? NOT!!!! My 18 year old has me so aggravated right now.

You see her boyfriend lives on the other side of the city. She likes to go there often to visit. Parking in his neighborhood is horrible. They have permit parking and limited parking for visitors.

It seems that my daughter has been parking where she's not supposed to. She has been getting parking tickets and ignoring them. The total of all the tickets is $360.00!!!! Well today she went out to get into her car and it had an unwanted accessory. A boot!!! Now she has until Saturday to pay $460 or her car will be impounded by the city!!!

She went to her father to see if he could help. Her father told her sister. Her sister called me. My daughter called me!!! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! All this while I'm at work! Enough already!!!!

There's a half eaten bag of tortilla chips and a half a jar of salsa here at work. I want to eat it all!!! I can't do it though because I keep thinking of the F*ing Agreement. Good thing!

UPDATE: I just spoke to my husband. He's taken care of it. He also wrote out a contract for my daughter and had a stern talk with her. This after I lectured her.


No Bread, Day 5

I feel like the proverbial guy in the desert crawling across the sand moaning "Water... Water..." I really want some bread.

It's been five days since a piece has passed my lips. The urge to consume a loaf has not left me. Hence the melt down on oyster crackers last night. They are not the same thing at all (way too salty), but anything in a pinch.

Two more days. But if this rampant desire for it doesn't abate, do I trust myself to buy a new loaf?

For now, I was going to do laundry but they're cutting back the trees outside of my condo. I don't dare step outside unless I want to be brained by falling tree branches. So I guess I'll stay inside, change my bed (no, I haven't done it yet, but imagine a world that I don't have to change it twice a day!), and maybe defrost some chicken and salmon to pre-bake. I think I'll wrap it in filo dough. Technically, it's not bread.

Inspiration = Fun!

Will make out Grocery List today and finish up menus for the next two weeks. More new recipes to try.

Have a new idea for my other blog based on a picture from Laura's blog..Friday Fridge Day...On Friday's I'm gonna take a picture of my fridge and post it to my other blog..Thought it might be fun.

Hope all is improving and better in your worlds today. Love you all.

Weight 235.5

Wednesday, January 14, 2009



I felt so good yesterday. It was the first day in a year that when people asked me how I was feeling, I could enthusiastically say "better!" and I was actually not lying about feeling better. I lived what I would consider a more normal life than I have in a long time.

Eric warned me. "Take it slow." he said. And then he resignedly said, "I know you. I'll tell you to take it easy, but that's just not in your nature, is it?"


I"m paying the price today. Totally exhausted.

With phones nearby will do a toning/strength training video today..May try and workout with the Wii again.

weight: 235.5

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

No Bread, Day 3


I really want a slice of bread. No. If I'm honest, I really want about a half a loaf of bread. Challah from Bea's Bakery.

Nothing of the sort here. Four more days to go before I reassess this food direction and decide if I want bread in my home or not.

Weekly Weigh in

Okay - so I said I wasn't going to step on the scale. Last Tuesday I got the courage to face the scale. The number wasn't pretty but I didn't get upset. It's just a number. It tells me where I'm at and where I need to go. It does NOT define who or what I am as a person. I'm okay with it.

I've been on program for a week. I stepped on the scale again today and much to my surprise I'm down 2 pounds!!! I am happy with that. I've learned that I can lose weight without purging!

So - my goals for this week are as follows:

1 - Continue to make good food choices and follow the 1600 calorie plan.

2 - Exercise!!!

3 - Continue to feel good about myself and love myself!

Here's to week 2!!!

Hot Hot Hot!!

A night of hot flashes..Yuck..I woke up soaked a couple of times..It doesn't help that my husband was under the covers either. (He's a human furnace.) I at times wonder if it is his heat that gets me overheated or that I'm truly having hot flashes. My answer came this morning after he left for work..I woke up soaked from a hot flash.

I am one that cannot sleep with heat in our room. I get instant headache and bloody noses..Been that way since I was a kid..It's okay in the rest of the house..But in my bedroom NO..I have blankets, comforter, and of course the human furnace..I mean hubby.

I'm going to have to make an appointment to go back and see the Dr. and have my hormone levels checked along with my second Hepatitis A shot. But I'll do that later this week.

Gramps goes to the Dr. today and Dr. will talk to me more about grandma today with her not there. She became very upset at yesterday's appointment that the Dr. agreed with me on some things. (One she's not allowed to go to Gramps appointments anymore and now it bothers her cause she might miss something)

Gotta get in a workout before I take off this morning.

Weight: 237.3

Yesterday was good.

Yesterday was a good day in the eating department. I had a good breakfast and even had a real lunch instead of just continuous grazing. Dinner was healthy but late as it always is on a work night. That's one of my problems. I don't get to eat dinner until about 8:30pm and then I am so tired I go straight to bed. I don't see what I can do about that other than find another job.

Exercise was good too. I went to the track in the morning and power walked 3 miles and my foot was doing well. I had to work someone out last night so I was on the machines also but by the end of the night my foot was screaming from standing on it for hours. Once again, I don't see what I can do about that other than find another job.

Do we have a theme going here? LOL

Monday, January 12, 2009

Attack of the candy canes...

Sunday night at work was hard - nutritionally speaking.  Someone, I don't know who (damn them!), brought in a whole bunch of left over candy canes from Christmas.  I love candy canes.  I ended up eating 5!!!!

I made sure that everything else I ate was on program.  Of course candy canes are not!!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I'll find out if it had an impact.

No Bread, Day 2

Oy. I am in withdrawl. I want a piece (read a loaf) of bread, and badly. Was in Costco earlier today; I could smell the bread aisle from halfway across the store!

On the other hand, my eating was better than it's been in months yesterday. Today it's even better.

Richard offered to do food sheets for anybody in Project Me last Saturday in class. I don't know if "anybody" includes me. Thinking about e-mailing him and asking.

I'm now an officially enrolled member of an IBD support group. My first meeting - they meet monthly - is this Wednesday. Oy.

Took Anne's class this morning. Before Costco. Did about the same as usual. I wonder how long it's going to take to build some muscle?

Weigh In

Not much to do today except take grandma to the Dr. to find out if she needs another blood transfusion or he will tell me it's her sedentary ways that cause her to be fatigued. At last appointment he instructed her to get involved in an exercise program, because she was losing muscle mass and complaining of fatigue. Not to mention she had a melt down over grandpa last week.

Woke up with a pain in my stomach and thought it was IBS..or even cramping..Nope it was hunger. Never woke up with hunger pain before. Shocking to me.

Better go feed the body something. Thank you girls..You have no idea how much this blog, and "YOU" are helping me with this.

Weight: 237.3 -4.7 lbs lost for the week.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Well, there we have it. My weight may have registered 155 on New Year's Eve, but as the C Diff slows down, it's rising dramatically. 156... 157... 158... and this morning 159. This makes more sense based on what I see in the mirror at Slimmons. The weight is mostly around my middle. It was artifically deflated because of an empty gut and dehydration. Now I know.

I've increased my exercise factor. I walk through classes and only put a moderate effort in compared to others, but for me, it's the best I can do. The Fucking Agreement. Do the best I can.

But food is at issue. I don't know where being so weak and so tired all the time ends and where laziness enters. There is a factor there and it would be unfair for me to deny it. But I managed to maintain my weight for a very long time even being sick, and now I feel like it's out of control.

I look at what I'm eating. The Fucking Agreement again. And the biggest weak spot that I see is bread. I've gone through two loaves this week. Not necessarily on sandwiches either, but plain. Something's gotta give.

In other parts of the world, they don't have bread readily available. They make rice, cous cous, quinoa, or whatever. I think I need to join the other part of the world.

I am out of bread this morning, and it is a market day. I pledge for this week only, not to bring any bread into my home. I do not promise not to eat it at restaurants, but no more here. Just for this week. I will pre-make some rice and cous cous this afternoon, and also premake the dry ingredients of salad and I will pre-steam up a bunch of vegetables.

This could be a great week. This could also be a horrible week. Because I don't know if the C Diff is slowing down because my diet seemly has turned almost completely to starches. Increased vegetables may end up making me really sick. But I must give this a try.

Bloated Up

I'm all bloated up..Fingers and feet swelled huge..Didn't feel good yesterday, didn't workout.

My body has grand "delusions" of what should be happening. Yesterday and today gone into full blown menstrual cycle..and I'm on the freaking pill and not supposed to be. Cramping from the menstrual cycle and having IBS attacks are not cool. Spent some of the day back in bed, with knees pulled up to my stomach hoping to relieve some of the pain and pressure.

I looked at my water from yesterday..I didn't drink enough..48 oz. Could be another reason why I'm bloated up..

Still feel pain in my intestines and lower back. But then it may not have helped being in bed half the day.

Claudia said sometime to me last year, that I would finally come to realize I need exercise to help me lose weight. After a week of exercising and not yesterday, seeing the scale has me convinced of that. I'm sure there was other factors in this, but my body does feel like a void has happened.

How can I go to a high of highs and then crash the next day? Gotta push myself today..Gotta get back on the momentum train. Gotta break this zero..I just gotta..

Weight:240.4 A two pound gain! Grrrrr

Where's Vennie????

Inquiring minds want to know - where's Vennie??? I haven't heard from her in a while and am concerned!

I love you Vennie!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Ok so my eating has been really good since Monday. Exercise has been hit or miss. More miss than hit.

I need to start working on exercise. I also need to start doing food sheets. I'm doing okay without them but I do know that they are an important tool to keep me going.

I am a Mom-mom again!!! That's right! My daughter and son-in-law have adopted!!! I am thrilled. His name is Ruger Benjamin Thorton Johnson! He's brown and fuzzy and sooo cute!! Oh - did I forget to mention that he's a chocolate labrador retreiver!!! I can't wait to meet him. He's 5 years old and, according to my daughter, very well behaved.

I hope you all are having a great day!


Disbelief is my word today..It's very overwhelming for me this morning, trying to process the emotions and thoughts that have crept into my head.

I stepped on the scale and I'm firmly into the 230's. Not scantly by a tenth of a pound or a little more..but I can say, I'm in the 230's.

I have not been in the 230's since just after my son's birth 14 years ago..It's been 14 freaking years since I've seen this number. Why it took so long? So many questions I've found myself asking me.

I am not going to self sabotage now..I have this agreement with you, my friends. I made this agreement with you my friends..My accountability partners. I take you, in my thoughts with me daily..Each and every one of you..I'm more determined after stepping on the scale to give 100% to myself so that I can look and feel my best when we can see each other again.

I love you!

Weight: 238.50

I don't do lunch

Like Laura, my food starts out good and degenerates into terrible as the day goes on. I've always had a problem with afternoon munchies. I do well in the morning. Breakfast is always healthy but it goes downhill from there.

Lunch is a problem for me. Maybe I'm just lazy. I can never come up with anything that is satisfying enough to take me through to dinner. I start snacking and I am dead meat. Soup and salad? Yuk! Baked potato? Yuk! Whatever? Yuk! I hate lunch. It is one of my least favorite words in the English language. Even Pat and Kerry know not to ask the deadly question "whats for lunch?" I don't do lunch. I need to come up with some ideas to stop the afternoon hunger. If I can stop that I am golden.

Have a great Saturday.I love you all

Friday, January 9, 2009

Another day, another doctor

Saw Dr. V- today. We're holding off on the Cimzia for two weeks because of the infections. Waiting to hear back from the Inf. Disease doc for his take on it. I wrote the e-mail on behalf of Dr. V.

Dr. V wants me to try out an IBD Support group. He says that this one is different than the norm; more action oriented than usual. I agreed, contacted them via e-mail, but they need to screen me before letting me into their group. I actually appreciate that. Lets me know that this is probably a safer group than most.

Food, as usual, starts out good, then degenerates. I find that as I get tired, I'm too tired to make anything for myself, so I just grab. I'm leaning away from less healthy choices, but the problem is what is really less healthy for me? Vegetables provoke attacks. Fruit provokes attacks. Did I mention that I had an 'accident' - a really big one - right before my doctor's appointment? Then I had to beg them to let me use the private bathroom to clean up instead of the public multi-stall one in the hall. Code Brown. It was awful.

Had the doctor's appointment in lieu of exercise today. Will go tomorrow.


Physically Exhausted. Don't know why.. Woke up as if I didn't sleep..Feel fatigued. Muscles ache. Fingers and feet feel tight. Taking little one to school in a bit and running to Costco and Grocery Store to get more fruit..Weird to say that..Will try to get in some workout before kids start coming home from school.

Don't think I got enough water in yesterday, my weight is up today..First time in many days..Feels slightly discouraging. I knew it could/would happen eventually..But I've trying these last couple of weeks to break that 240 barrier and get down into the 230's and move on from there. Could be retention from not drinking enough?

Proud of myself for not caving into munchies attacking yesterday.

Weight: 240.0

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I'm here - I finally figured out to post here!!!!

Hello all!!!

I'm here!!! I am doing okay. My eating has been at 1600 calories since Monday. Exercise has been 5 minutes a day. I really need to up that to between 20-30 minutes a day. Physically I feel like I'm going through sugar/junk food detox. I'm feeling better today but the first couple of days were rough.

Family life is crazy. Bob has been given another month off of work because of his knees. The antibiotic he was on for the infection in his toe caused degenerative joint disease in his knees. He now has to go to physical therapy to strengthen his quadriceps. He does that for a month and then he goes back to the orthopedic doctor and they are considering Synvisc shots (for those of you not aware of them they are synthetic viscous fluid shots given in the knee - one a week for 3-5 weeks).

Allie - my 5 year old granddaughter - has pneumonia. She started on Monday with a cold and on Tuesday was taken to Nighttime Pediatrics because she was wheezing. That's when they did a chest x-ray and found pneumonia.

Kaela came home today with a bad cold. I probably gave it to her. I had a cold last week.

Oh well - I've bored you enough! LOL

I hope you have a great day!!!

Hugs - Beth

Picking Up Speed

Busy day today..Will be running errands after I take grandpa to bone and joint Dr. Leaving Grandma at home. Gram is showing signs she may need another blood transfusion. I'll know more Monday when I take her to the Dr. Costco is never fun up here.

Food was good yesterday, I panicked at 5:30 when I realized I hadn't done a tape. So I popped in Sit Tight and did that. Next week I think I'll do Party off the Pounds for the week.

I'm about to head off to the kitchen and make up a big breakfast for me this morning to start my day being busy.

I wish you all success today in your endeavors.

Today's weight: 239.6

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Learing about myself......still

Hi Everybody, :)

Congrats to you Ang. It's always exciting to get into a lower set of numbers even if it is by .5 pounds. That's what I'm working towards.

I woke up yesterday with the beginning symptoms of a head cold. Headache, scatchy throat, pressurey feeling in my head. I'm trying to ignore it but that's not happening in fact I had an epiphany yesterday. I eat when I am sick. I never really noticed that before yesterday but looking back on though my life it is true. I spent a lot of the day with my head in the fridge looking for things to eat. You know, like trolling for food and when I find something I take it into bed and eat it as if that will make me feel better. I'm glad that I learned this very important thing about myself. It's amazing to me that I could be almost 57 years old and not know something so important about myself. I guess I need to be more observant which this agreement is helping me do.

Today I am still sick, probably worse. I'm very happy that I don't have to work tonight. I am going to go back to bed and stay there until tomorrow. At least now I'm aware of my food proclivities and will watch out for the signs of mindless eating. I had another "volume" breakfast of eggbeaters with lots of veggies and one piece of toast this morning. So far, so good.

My exercise has been good. It seems to be the easy part of all this for me. Yesterday I had a private yoga session with Juliana which was just what I needed to feel human enough to go to work and stand up for hours yesterday. Today I went to the track because I had made arrangements to meet a friend there so I had to go. I walked 2 1/2 miles before I started to really not feel well so I quit. My foot is still giving me some lip but has been much better overall over the last few days.

I find myself very aware of this all important agreement. If I can start putting good food decision days together with good exercising days I think I may be on the right track.

Love ya all,

Agreement Helping!

Did anyone watch Biggest Loser Families last night?

Holy CROW the numbers for the first week were HUGE! I realize they train more than an hour a day, thanks to someone here telling me that last year..The couple that I found myself choking up for? The grandparents. The grandpa fainted before Jillian Michaels could get a hold of their team. He was beginning his workout and passed out. He returned after their starting weigh in. At their first weigh in, he lost 25 lbs, and grandma lost 9 lbs, team white. HE IS 63..That was inspiring!

The other person I liked was from team green. She had a real positive attitude. I realize it's her first week, and she may feel different after the second or third week after Jillian keeps getting in her face..But it might be interesting for me to watch.

I woke up this morning still feeling proud of myself for not caving into one of my old habits of coming after being emotionally tormented with my grandparents and having hubby go get fast food. I cooked our dinner. It was very good, and I had my slice of pie..I didn't feel deprived. I didn't feel like binging, after talking to my mom and telling her what was happening with her parents and asking her opinion on what should be our next step. (Caught grandma trying to use her Albuterol Inhaler because she had a frog in her throat, and she felt that it suddenly was asthma related. OY!! Left them in the car, parked in front of the store, told them to stay in the car, while I ran in to purchase Grandpa's new underwear..Standing in line to pay, (no more than 5 minutes of being in there) he came flying in with no walker announcing to the entire floor of JCPenny's he had to pee, where's the bathroom he was going to pee his pants. And grandma in tears because they were fighting in the car and she couldn't control him.Screaming at me I can't make her live with him)

I kept remembering my promise to you girls. I kept thinking about the numbers on the scale that they were going down. For that I'm excited that this may be the turning point I need to jump start this weight loss again.

I've been doing fairly short (30 min) workouts last week, and will finish up this week doing them..Next week I'll go into a longer tape to build things up. Slow and steady right?

I hope you girls are having better days.

Weight: 239.6 (yeah baby!!! Dipped my foot into the 230's)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Good morning Ladies.....
Hope you are all well today and not being driven too crazy!! I began this day the same as yesterday, breakfast wise anyway. I just love yogurt with blueberries and 3/4 c. cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats to be exact. I feel full until just around noon then the ol belly starts talkin'. I did go produce shopping and bought bags of fresh items. I did make a pot of Richard's tomato soup. I will tell you honestly it was flat. It gave me instant heartburn. Not a do-over thats for sure. I will probably use it to make some pasta dish due to the high flavor of garlic...yum! The rest of the day I spent on me. Doing absolutely nothing. Ive been running fast and hard for 4 months with school, internships, and my parents and a stressed out marriage that I think I maybe suseptable to some "blues" coming my way. I sat in front of the TV and zoned out! Didnt even call my folks, thats rare. Well Im determined to get out today and go visit the folks and also have a meeting at school tonight to pick up last minute paper work the teacher didnt get to last about OY.
C ya tomorrow

One of my High Stress Days today

Hi Girls,

Today will be a long day away from home. I'm leaving here at 9am to go pick up grandpa and take him in for his MRI at 10:00am. Then he has a 1pm apointment with his Primary Dr. So guess what I get to listen to the older generation (1 dementia, and 1 alzheimer's) argue over the stupidist things for at least 5 maybe 6 hours. Isn't that great? Don'tcha want to be me? Awww come on..Don'tcha want to listen to the argument of who of their friends is dead or alive? Why can't they have an allowance of more than $50.00 a month? How many times one picks on the other one for not changing their pants or shirt more than 1 time a week? Don't touch me there! Quit being loud you're embarrassing me she will yell at him.

So as you can see from the above this will be one of my emotional, high stress days. But I made this agreement with ya'll and I will try very hard to remain true to my food plan and not waver, or eat emotionally. I'm hoping that after I get home I can do some toning.

I changed my food plan for dinner around so I don't have much prep to do for dinner when I get home tonight. We have enough of the pie left over last night we can all have a piece for dessert tonight and finish it off.

I wish you well, I wish you success today in whatever you do.

I'm off to go over tonights new recipe, and make me a huge breakfast!

Weight today: 240.6

Monday, January 5, 2009

Took Anne's Class @ Slimmons

Made it through. It was easier than I thought it would be because Anne is very tuned into the fact that I am not well, and there weren't very many students in the room. It's a lot easier to do what I have to do when I'm not also worrying about bumping into - or being bumped by - other students.

There were six of us there, plus Anne. All of the women were professional; some still are. They're highly opinionated and vocal, offering opinions on everything social and political even during the class. Interesting.

For breakfast, I had two pieces of dry rye toast early. I know, bad choice. But then I grabbed a tangerine and a pack of dried cranberries to eat on the way down. Did you know that Trader Joes packages it's dried cranberries in single-serving sizes now? I find it easy to manage my dried fruit when it's pre-measured for me, so I don't have to go without this year.

Anyway, by the time class was done, I was hungry, and had some of the roast chicken on a sandwich when I got home. I need to have a little fruit, then I'm done until dinner.

I bought enough vegetables to make up a double-batch of my chicken soup. Too tired to cut them up, though. Maybe later; maybe tomorrow. But soon. Half of the appeal of my soup is that the vegetables are so fresh, and if I let it go too long, they won't be anymore.

Comfort Zone

I'm down -4.4 lbs. and this morning after getting on the scale a huge wave of anxiety came over me. This is where I've F*ing up for the last 7 months. I get near this number and suddenly I binge and go up..I've lost the same 10 lbs for the last 7 months..

Do you realize that when I called Richard in July I was down 85 lbs and had 15 to go to the hundred pound marker? And today I am still 17 lbs away from that 100 lb marker.

I've never posted my weight before in this public forum. I did in the clubhouse but that came off after some nasty PM's came my way.. Maybe it's shame, maybe I'm just too mortified. Maybe I'm afraid it's used against me.

I've thought about this group and how much you have meant to me this last year. How you supported me when we didn't know what was going on with me medically, and how you've been there for my moral, when I have bad days with Gram or Gramps. This group without trying has encouraged me to try new things, step out of my comfort zone and live. It was all good things I assure you. So here goes.

Today I stepped on the scale..The numbers read: 242 lbs. There I said it, typed it and soon it will be published. Maybe now I can heal and get past this part.

I will make the best choices I can these next couple of weeks and pray that I can work through this. I will work through this and finally get into the 230's.

It's Monday

Im with ya Claudia, I too started this day out with a breakfast of yogurt, blueberries and 3/4 c. of cereal and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Dont know what the rest of the day will bring but I guess I'll just be happy I got thru one meal of this day. I'll do some shopping for produce later on today and Im thinking about making Richard's tomato soup he posted in the clubhouse. I'll let you know. Have a good day everybody!!

Full speed ahead

Hi Everybody, :)

Yesterday went as I had expected it would. As soon as Kerry left I hit the food and consumed about 600 more calories than I needed. Yeah, that sucked but it is also not as bad as my Kerry leaving binges have been in the past and again for me this is all about small victories. I guess it's pretty pathetic when a 600 calorie binge is considered a small victory. It is what it is and I am letting it go. Full speed ahead into today.

I went to the track and power walked 3 miles before I started feeling my foot. I figured out that if I'm feeling it in any way even if I am just aware of it it is time to stop so I did. I do have to work today and I have to be able to stand for 5 hours and that had something to do with my decision. I think I will do a few reps with weights for my chest, shoulders and triceps right after I finish this post. I'm trying to get back to my old exercise regime.

Food so far has not been bad. I made myself a "Fab Four" breakfast which was 1/2 cup of eggbeater with scallions, mushrooms and orange peppers all scrambled up with just a small amount of cheddar cheese. I also had a piece of rye toast with coffee and skim milk. I'm thinking that a breakfast like this is better than the half of a bagel and fruit that I usually go with. Maybe it's the protein but I'm not as hungry as I normally am at this time of day.

I'm not sure what lunch will be. Maybe some soup and a half of a baked potato. Dinner will be rice and beans. Boy, it sounds good on paper now if only I can follow though...

I will be posting my weight here. This morning it was 153.5

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Hello....I think???
I am so lost you guys and I dont know if Im posting to your blog or not....LOL Well today is sunday...also the day I listen to the Beatles show on the radio, I always feel closer to Claudia somehow....Laura, sorry that you crashed and burned but I hope you were able to enjoy the movie before that happened. I hear its a good movie but a looooong one. I hope you all enjoy this sunday(today) and that things go your way....
Enjoy what ever you do today

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Munchies Be Gone!

Hi Gals,

My head is feeling better, took some Tylenol P.M. a short while ago, and I expect to be knocked out shortly.

Have a severe attack of the munchies but refuse to go eat anything because of not wanting to wreck my food diary today. So I'll come here and post.

I agree with Claudia, that I really feel better that this is here. I know we can't get on the phone daily and check in with each other, but this just helps me HUGE! (Pun intended) It does feel like a safety net for me too.

Laura, I completely understand what you are saying, and wonder if what you are seeing in difference is "definition" vs unable to exercise for the time being? Does that make sense? I know that I may weigh the same but if I've slacked off in exercise, and toning, my definition or weight is carried different..yet I still weigh the same. Have you stepped on the scales at Slimmons to see how they compare to yours?

I hope all is well with you. Thanks for letting blab here, my hunger or desire to munch has passed. I'll drink some more water before I go off to bed.

Love you all

My First Post

Hi Everybody, :)

Well, here I am typing up my first post on this blog. It feels really good to know that this is here. I feel like I have a safety net now. I'm thinking this blog is really going to help me stay in line.

In keeping with the agreement I think I did pretty well today. I made some good choices and one or two not so good choices but all in all I'm feeling pretty good.

Kerry and I went shopping today and walked around from noon to almost 6:00pm. That time frame includes about 45 minutes for lunch, 45 minutes for coffee and more time in dressing rooms than I care to think about. I don't usually consider shopping cardio but shopping with Kerry is usually more strenuous than many aerobics classes. LOL She really puts me through my paces. I'm thinking that we probably walked around for a good 2 or 3 hours in total. To me, I feel as if I actually got in some exercise.

Food wasn't bad today. Breakfast was a half a bagel with a little cream cheese and a small orange with coffee. Not too bad. Lunch was a big salad with ranch dressing. Again not too bad. Dinner was a small black bean burrito with about 10 chips and a small side of guacamole. I guess I could have done without the chips and guac but still not too bad. I'm done eating for the day so I'm pretty happy with how I did today.

Tomorrow is coming faster than I would like. Kerry is leaving to go back to UF in the afternoon and then we will really see how well I am able to keep up my end of the F*ing Agreement.

Laura, Baby, stop comparing yourself with other people. It's a losing proposition. You can't win because you will never let yourself win. I know how you are about this stuff. Just don't do it. Be happy that you are doing as well as you are and do your best to keep up your part of the F*ing Agreement.

I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and post the results.

Laura Goes to Slimmons

Hi Gals:

Made it through. I'm so weak, but I managed to stand up almost the whole class. I did stand for the whole aerobics part!

Richard got a new car. Black Range Rover, tricked out with some kind of fancy side grills. Really cool looking.

When I arrived at class, he was already inside, but Michelle was parking it. She told me that it had the kind of suspension that raises and lowers it. It's actually meant for off-road use.

So you know me and my big mouth. After class was over, I asked Richard if he was going to raise his new truck for us. He replied with a discourse about the DVD that they (I assume he and Teresa and Michelle) had to watch to try and understand how the truck works, but it's so complicated that they will have to watch it again. But that's not what *I* wanted to know.

"Does the horn blare La Cucharacha when you raise and lower the suspension?" I asked him.

He denied it but then Michelle proved once again why I love her so much. She looked at the two of us and said "Yes it does! We just haven't done it yet!"

Watching myself in the mirror during class was tough. My scale said 158 today... I'm surprised that it wasn't higher since at Mongolian BBQ, I mistook what ended up being Garlic Salt for Garlic Powder. My dinner was like eating a salt shaker.

Anyway, this is the first time in quite a while that I got to see myself in a mirror next to other people who purportedly weigh around the same as me. I look so much bigger than them! After class, I asked Amy to stand next to me in front of the mirror so that I could try to size the two of us up together. She insists that we look the same (so did John when he found out what we were doing), but I don't think so. My question is not whether I am bigger than her or not, it's whether my bigger is a lot bigger than the 10 pound difference in our respective weights. (She's 148.) Do I need to buy a new scale? Is mine old enough that it is no longer giving me accurate readings?

You know how I am with this stuff. I like to be brutally honest for fear of going into denail (which I would like to do). And now I don't know if my numbers are real or ficticious. But I think I'm going to hold off buying a new one just for a little while longer. Good scales are expensive! And maybe I'm just seeing myself through the eyes of somebody who was very tired.




Ever wake up with one of those killer headaches that just won't go away and then erupt into a full blown migraine. I did this morning. Was gonna make fruit filled wontons (recipe from weight watchers) this morning but not enough time before kids went over to mom's to tear down their Christmas Decorations.

Made breakfast..Wasn't happy with it. But ate it. I think I used too many peppers and it overwhelmed the other flavors.

I tried to exercise today (Sit tight) got through 15 minutes of it and my stomach started to rock and roll because of my migraine. So I quit. Now laying here in bed, with a pounding, thumping feeling.

Dinner is planned, and the kids have volunteered to help me make it so I'm not standing up so much, but can get back to bed.

I don't want to take the Excedrin migraine. I have not had caffeine in over a year..A serious addiction. It will keep me up until 2 or 3 in the morning, something I can't afford. So more water than usual to help it..(I hope)

I'll post food on my other blog tomorrow.

Laura Crashes & Burns

Am feeling a bit better; Eric came over. We went out to dinner - Mongolian BBQ; in plan - and then to see Benjamin Button. While waiting for the movie, I told Eric I planned to try Slimmons in the morning. I haven't been there in three weeks.

Well, during the movie I felt heart palpitations. And as we walked out of the theater, I crashed and burned. Not sure how many gawkers standing around and laughing at me as I lay on the floor. Eric claims none, but I know better than that.

Slimmons in the morning remains tbd. I was able to sit up for several hours again today, and no fever. It's tomorrow now (after midnight), so it's a record. If I get through the night without requiring a sheet change, I still think I may try going. I can always leave after Project Me if I feel funny. But if I don't push things, I don't know that I'm ever going to get better.

We'll see.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Fab to Flop in one day

Today started so well. A healthy breakfast of cereal, fruit and milk, and a lunch of romaine salad and lots of water in between. After lunch took Madison for a walk about 1 mile. He did well. I was huffing and puffing. Then about 4 pm I was watching TV and a commercial came on for pizza. I went into a brain fog and got up, got into the car and went to the video store to turn in the videos I had rented. That part was OK, except the video store is next door to Little Caesar's and I went in and got a cheese pizza. As if that wasn't bad enough, as I was paying for the pizza the clerk informed me this is "free crazy bread month" and did I want it? Free? Oh, sure! I wasn't even sure what "crazy bread" is. Unfortunately I now DO know what it is. It took all evening, but I ate the pizza and the bread. Neither was a good choice. Tomorrow I will do better.


Little Voices?

It's been a hard day so far. But I've managed to keep all of you in my thoughts, trying ever so hard to focus on the F*ing Agreement. Each meal asking myself is this the best choice I can be making now?

After grocery shopping for two hours with 1 grandma and 3 children in tow..I managed to get the bulk of the grocery shopping done. Can I just say Vegetable and Fruit Prices are on the rise here!


After coming home and unloading, sorting, and putting away I wanted to binge eat. I was starved, and my emotions were running big time, and frankly I was tired. Instead, I chopped up yellow, orange and green peppers, and julienned the red peppers, cut celery into 3 inch pieces and then put them in their prospective containers to store in the refrigerator.

I rewarded myself with 2 mandarin oranges, and 24 oz water bottle, and then wrote in my grateful journal.

I did get in Blast & Tone after dinner tonight and oldest did that with me.

How long will these little voices stay in my head, as I imagine that we are together again sitting around a table, laughing, talking, and cutting up about anything and everything? Time will tell..But it's nice to hear hear them again.

Laura's Year-End Weight Declaration

I wrote the following e-mail to Richard on December 31, 2008:

Ok, it's over. I weigh every day anyway, so it wasn't a big deal to take your suggestion and weigh in on New Year's Eve. Ahem - at least no more a big deal than it is to weigh any other time which I hate at all times, but do because I know the quickest way to losing my path is not to know the number.

Drum Roll Please...


Exactly the same weight I started the year out at. Way more flabby and terribly out of shape, but no heavier.

Ok, I guess I shouldn't be that proud of the number because before the transgressions of December 2007, I weighed 148. But I am proud. This has been a very tough year, much of it being desperately ill. I've been pumped full of all sorts of medicines that resulted in water gain. I barely exercised; too weak or feverish or whatever to even get out of bed a lot of the time. My food choices were not always great; my weakness meant that I had to rely a lot of frozen processed food or restaurant take out; relying on whatever was convenient for others to bring to me. My weight - at times - soared as high as 170 and I figured all was lost.

But the bottom line is that this morning, the number was 155. The year, from an empirical number standpoint, apparently was a wash. And if the doctors have really finally found all that ails me and my health improves in 2009, I'll better the number then.

For now, I'll take 155 and not complain. Much.

The biggest problem with this e-mail is that it is completely true, but left one important fact out. I have had diahrreah and have vomited all year as a result of my illness. Part of my weight maintenance component has been illness, and that does not exactly make me proud. On the other hand, it was not classical purging, and I don't know if the calories lost that way would have been compensated for by eating better and exercising had I been in better health. For now, I guess I'll just focus on getting better and living by the spirit of the agreement.

So Far...

Claudia was already on board when I e-mailed the rest of the Fabbies. Laura & Claudia had played Fucking Agreement in December.

Angie asked to join us for January, and of course! She's considering posting her food choices on her blog. She planned two weeks of meals. She has a huge list for the grocery store. She's let the kids know that the family is eating healthier again..
She's incorporated a dessert in every other day menu's so that none feel deprived..

Beth has signed on. She's starting on 1600 calories on Monday. She's just going to try to make the best food choices she can and try to exercise - even if it's only for 5 minutes a day.

Vennie is in. She flushed half a carton of Haagen-Das and half a container of Cool Whip Lite down the garbage disposal. They were in the freezer, so she missed them when she cleaned out the fridge of contraband on the first go-around. She's starting with regular walks for Madison, and then will add one of Richard's videos, even if it's only a few minutes to start with.

Laura made a huge pan of sauteed vegetables as refrigerator stock. She used them over Cous Cous for dinner last night, and again this morning in scrambled eggs. She is not ready to commit to any kind of exercise at this point.

Claudia says that her December was not that bad and she attributes it to the Fucking Agreement. Even though she wasn't able to exercise much she still made much better food choices than she was making before. She's glad to say that since the agreement she has not made any unhealthy choices like she was before. The Fucking Agreement made her think about things before she ate them and says that maybe all she really needed to get herself back on track.
Also, today she said she's not making any grand declarations about losing this many pounds or getting into that size. For her, she's just happy that she said "no thank you" when Kerry asked her if she wanted something from the Mrs Fields cookie stand today. (The Agreement was in play there) That to her is a small thing that can lead to bigger things and that's what the Fucking Agreement is all about.

Laura thought that perhaps a blog that we all could post to might work better than e-mail for the purposes of the Fucking Agreement. It would be easier to review and garner inspiration from when there would be one place for all of us to go to. All the Fabbies are invited to post; hopefully we all will like this idea and run with it.

Fucking Agreement

Hi Gals;

At the beginning of December, Claudia & I were talking on the phone. I was lamenting my health & physical status (poor Claudia! I was so sick & feverish and my brain was not in forward gear); and that there was almost nobody that I could talk to about my situation as a whole. Yes, we all are wonderful friends and you are there for me through thick & thin (bad pun), sickness & health, and even when my brain short-circuits and I say and do things I wish I hadn't. But the truth is that we live in far-flung corners of the country and come together only rarely. We've all faced individual challenges in the past year, really bad ones, and we are all - to varying degrees - struggling with out weight (again).

It's gotten harder for us to talk about it. We used to be in almost the same weight category and are not anymore. How can I complain about my seven pounds and the struggles I am having when some of us are dealing with so much more. And my own feeling is that those of us who are dealing with more don't feel as free talking to me either.

Anyway, Claudia & I were talking about it in early December. We're both at roughly the same weight gain number. And we're both dealing with health issues (given they're vastly different) that are restricting our ability to be out and about. We're struggling, hard, and at least I felt that because we were not dealing with such large numbers, our struggles were being largely discounted. Just like how all of us used to roll our eyes when our chronically thin friends would complain about being "fat."

So Claudia & I decided to make an agreement for the month of December. What we ended up coining as the "Fucking Agreement." It was simple. That we would do our very best to eat healthy for the month. That was it.

For me, it helped. A lot. You know how December is. Even as I was not getting out much, temptation was thrown in my path. If you read my blog, you know about the agony-of-the-brownies delivered to my front door. There was more, too. Mostly I didn't share. But because of the agreement I made with Claudia, I always thought hard before I transgressed.

Claudia & I just decided to extend the agreement into this month. Yes, January, when all eyes are focused on dieting. Claudia blogged about it today, and Angie asked if she could join us. Of course she can!

Then I got an e-mail from Vennie, who has just purged her home of contraband. I also talked to Beth a couple of nights ago, and her intent was to start to get back on track in January, without ( and Beth, I repeat WITHOUT ) putting pressure on herself that will bring her eating disorders back into play. I saw how Becky posted about her struggles in Richard's Forum .

So now I am making it official. Asking if any of you want to join Claudia & I in the "Fucking Agreement?" The rules are simple.

There are no rules. There is no specific program. Just make the very best food decisions for yourself that you can for the month of January. You can talk about it if you want - or not. You can confess if you want - or not. You can be completely silent if you prefer. But if you decide to join us, mean it.

Anybody want to play?



PS - I've been on double-strength antibiotics for 36 hours now. I was able to sit up for several hours in a row today. Progress?