Thursday, April 23, 2009

Denial Ain't Just a River

I've been thinking about this since I got home from my doctor's appointment, and decided here was the best place to discuss it.

My last appt was on Jan. 15th of this year. I recalled my weight at that time as being 198, and figured if I weighed in at 199 or so today, my doc would be concerned until I brought him up to date.

I shed my shoes, got on the scales and hopefully pushed the weight thingy inside of 200. The nurse at my side kept pushing it over a little, until it said "198". Then she said, "Wow, that's really good, you've lost 10 pounds since your last visit." I said, "Beg pardon? What did I weigh in January?" She checked the chart and replied, "208".

I walked into the exam room in a mild state of shock. I realized I had done the same thing at the doctor's office in January that I did at Laura's in March--ignored what the scale really said and picked a number I liked better. Yeah, in January I was depressed, in a foggy state of mind, etc., but the worst thing I was in was a state of denial--BIG TIME! Never mind that the size XLs were getting snug and my more recent purchases were 2X and 18-20. Never mind that I was having trouble sleeping, probably due to the mild sleep apnea I get when I'm heavy. Never mind that I was starting to break out under my boobs and on my thighs from skin to skin contact that also comes with a higher level of overweight. I was--successfully, I thought-- denying all of it, and telling myself, as long as I was still under 200 pounds, how bad could it be?

I've heard insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If that's true, then I was obviously in a temporary state of insanity! Thank goodness I got over it.

My doctor asked what I've been doing, and I explained about Richard's food program, Curves, and my improved state of mind. He was grinning from ear to ear, and actually said, "I'm really excited about you! You look great!" I told him it was probably the California haircut, but he shook his head, and said, "Nope, you're definitely not where you were this winter, and I'm really glad to see it."

Now I must continue to be honest with myself, as well as with others. Just because I want something to be so, and even if I say it's so, doesn't mean it is so. I have to keep my guard up with more or less continuous reality checks, making sure that I'm not deluding myself and sinking into another state of denial.

Webster's Dictionary actually defines the term reality check as "a corrective confronting of reality in order to counteract one's expectations, prejudices or the like". I would add the word "perceptions". In other words I need to identify and confront inaccurate perceptions and apply corrective action to bring my perceptions in line with reality, at least as far as my weight and health are concerned.

I don't want to find myself "up denial" without a paddle!


  1. ((((Vennie))) I don't know what all was said between you and the girls, and you and Richard, but with each post you are sounding better and better. I am forever grateful for whatever was said that got to your heart and head..Love you!

  2. Ang, it wasn't so much what Richard said as what he did--he cried. I don't think I've ever had anyone cry over me due to my weight. He also apologized to me and said, "I've let you down." Crimminey! HE let ME down? It was like a shake by the scruff of my neck. Just who was letting who down, here? I was letting ME down, and also distressing everyone else who cared about me. I knew that moment things had to change and I had to be the one to change them. Thanks for caring, sweetie.