Denial Ain't Just a River

I've been thinking about this since I got home from my doctor's appointment, and decided here was the best place to discuss it.

My last appt was on Jan. 15th of this year. I recalled my weight at that time as being 198, and figured if I weighed in at 199 or so today, my doc would be concerned until I brought him up to date.

I shed my shoes, got on the scales and hopefully pushed the weight thingy inside of 200. The nurse at my side kept pushing it over a little, until it said "198". Then she said, "Wow, that's really good, you've lost 10 pounds since your last visit." I said, "Beg pardon? What did I weigh in January?" She checked the chart and replied, "208".

I walked into the exam room in a mild state of shock. I realized I had done the same thing at the doctor's office in January that I did at Laura's in March--ignored what the scale really said and picked a number I liked better. Yeah, in January I was depressed, in a foggy state of mind, etc., but the worst thing I was in was a state of denial--BIG TIME! Never mind that the size XLs were getting snug and my more recent purchases were 2X and 18-20. Never mind that I was having trouble sleeping, probably due to the mild sleep apnea I get when I'm heavy. Never mind that I was starting to break out under my boobs and on my thighs from skin to skin contact that also comes with a higher level of overweight. I was--successfully, I thought-- denying all of it, and telling myself, as long as I was still under 200 pounds, how bad could it be?

I've heard insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If that's true, then I was obviously in a temporary state of insanity! Thank goodness I got over it.

My doctor asked what I've been doing, and I explained about Richard's food program, Curves, and my improved state of mind. He was grinning from ear to ear, and actually said, "I'm really excited about you! You look great!" I told him it was probably the California haircut, but he shook his head, and said, "Nope, you're definitely not where you were this winter, and I'm really glad to see it."

Now I must continue to be honest with myself, as well as with others. Just because I want something to be so, and even if I say it's so, doesn't mean it is so. I have to keep my guard up with more or less continuous reality checks, making sure that I'm not deluding myself and sinking into another state of denial.

Webster's Dictionary actually defines the term reality check as "a corrective confronting of reality in order to counteract one's expectations, prejudices or the like". I would add the word "perceptions". In other words I need to identify and confront inaccurate perceptions and apply corrective action to bring my perceptions in line with reality, at least as far as my weight and health are concerned.

I don't want to find myself "up denial" without a paddle!

Challenges Ahead

Well girls,
after stepping on the scales and not being happy with said results >> 0 Loss/0 Gain..I held the fork, and I controlled the body that seemed to fall apart about mid week..

i start off strong every morning..having a great breakfast and then by lunch time, the taperecorder begins to play in said head on a loop and by dinner I could give a rats bum.

i liked the feeling i had when i worked out..(As I have that feeling this morning) I realized after looking at my calendar and seeing that It had 7 days out of 14 with tone and sweat it wasn't serious enough and I need to get my butt moving.

i've signed up for the following..and details with links are on the other blog.

5 k walk/run may 30 for a local school fundraiser
5 k walk/run june 13 for my friends that I did last year
weight watchers walk it challenge
national presidential challenge

I'm not going to sit here (now the middle of april) and bitch anymore why haven't I taken the weight off if I'm not giving 100%...I have to give 100%, to receive a loss. Not half assed, food and water and exercise. (excuse the mouth..had one heck of a talk with myself this morning)

I love you all and miss you..Hope that you are doing your best..Hope that you are loving yourselves and making you #1 as you are all #1's in my book.

Love you

Not a happy camper but...

Early this morning I doffed my pj's and hopped on the scale hoping to see a good number. Awk!

Here's the story. In California at Laura's after making Richard cry and feeling like a worm I faced the music and weighed on her scales. To be honest I hadn't been on a scale since October, when I weighed in at 193. I knew I'd gained some since then, but didn't want to acknowledge it. As I stepped on Laura's scales, the needle swept past 200 and I quickly jumped off. Past 200? Well, it must be 201, so that's what I "decided" was my "starting weight". Today, after 10 days of following the 1400 cal FM plan very closely, nearly perfectly, MY scales said 202.6!!!!!!! My God! What could have happened!!!!

I made 2 rookie mistakes. You can't compare one scale to another. They may vary by several pounds. Second, I should have weighed on my scale as soon as I got home. The fact that it was stored away because of the remodeling was just an excuse to avoid it for a while. If I had weighed when I got home, I strongly suspect I'd have seen a number higher than what I did today.

So--I refuse to be discouraged. I will start over with the numbers, using 202.6 as my "starting weight". I'll continue my FM plan and try hard to increase my level of activity. I'm determined to get to the Rec Center next week and sign up so I can work on the weight machines. If my knees are going to prevent me from doing much walking or doing aerobic videos, I can at least work on my toning. Maybe that will help my knees, if I work with them carefully. Now that my hair is short, I may begin swimming again. That would be easy on my knees and also my back. I'll weigh next Fridayand then I'll expect more realistic results.

I will not quit.

Vennie

Claudia Regan needs to get real

I changed my status on Facebook to read "Claudia Regan needs to get real". After I did that I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about what that *really* meant. Claudia Regan needs to get real...hmmm... I jumped up and ran into the living room and turned on everyone's favorite video Partay off the pounds. I worked hard and I also laughed hard. After Laura's commentary on the making of this video I don't think I'll ever look at it the same way as I used to. LOL

I guess my point is that I actually said I needed to get real and I did. Not only did I do the video I also did 3 sets of girl pushups and 100 assorted crunches. Tonight is also a work night for me and while I don't get a real cardio workout there is no doubt that I am moving and burning some calories. Now I feel like I amgetting real. I am going to try to make this my mantra today. Claudia Regan needs to get real. Maybe it will work with food too.

Countdown to first weigh in

For some reason I set this Friday as my weigh in day, even though I got back from LA a week ago Weds night. For one thing the scale has been buried, and I didn't really feel like excavating it. Excuse, I know, but the current bathroom remodeling situation was making me techy. Anyway, I've been following the 1400 cal FoodMover program very carefully since the day after I got back, so I'm desperately hoping to see a loss tomorrow morning. If 9 days of rigourous adherence to the plan doesn't work I'm going to be in a funk!

I'm having trouble getting in any exercise. For whatever reason, since I got home my knees have been bothering me more than my back. This scares me, since the left one is now 10 years old and the right is 7. The "life" of a replaced knee averages 10 years, but I'm hoping these will hold out at lesat for 17 more months. What happens in 17 months? I get Medicare, that's what! Yes, Virginia, there is something to look forward to when you're 60!

I bought this nifty tea when I was in China and it's purported to help with weight loss. I've been drinking several cups a day and it seems to be working. Since it has orange zest in it, it's pretty tasty, so I like drinking it. In summer I think it will taste refreshing chilled.

The few times I have been tempted to eat off plan, I think of 2 things: how much my back and knees hurt and Richard crying because I had gained weight.

So, I'll try to remember to get back here tomorrow and be honest with how the scales reflect the past week.

Vennie

I posted this on the Clubhouse boards but it works here too

Hi Everybody,:)

I am back from Kerry's recital in Gainesville. Whew!!! It's a tough 5 hour ride each way but we made it and the kid played beautifully and I was a proud mom. Another wonderful memory.

I don't know what happened to me and my good judgement while I was away. It's like I lost my mind. We went to Kerry's favorite restaurant and she suggested something that I knew was going to be rich and fat laden but I ordered it and ate it knowing full well what I was doing. There were other more healthy choices available but I ordered the worst possible thing. I did that at breakfast too. Like I said. It's like I lost my mind. Why do I do that?

I'm glad to be back home. I can get back to my healthy lifestyle and put those terrible choices behind me. I'm starting off today with 3 hours of yoga. Today is my private with Juliana and right after that is the group practice that I will stay for. Then later in the day I work at Curves and I will be up and moving there.

Checking In

2 lbs down for the 5 lb this month challenge I invoked on myself. Retaining water. Today will be second day in a row it's nice out..Didn't get my workout in yesterday. Severe anxiety and panic attacks. But I'm looking to do something this morning and then walk little one to school, and afterward, cranking up my iPhone to listen to my tunes as I walk the long way home. (Train for my 5k)

Hope your day is a good one!